2013 in Reflection... A very tough year

December, 20th, 2013.

It is almost the end of 2013.  I thought it would be a good idea to go over the events that have happened in my life, and to get a perspective on it. How do you even start in a post like this? I guess I could start by listing some of the things that have happened.  In 2013, I found out my dad had cancer. Late stage that is. I also found out that my uncle almost died. He had cardiac arrest and his heart stopped beating for an hour. How they revived him, i'll never know. I also turned 21. I lost a long time friend due to an tragic car accident. I got my first tattoo in honor of her. I got off of academic probation. I tried a ghost pepper. I almost wanted to end it all during the summer. I got a part time tutoring job over the summer dealing with second graders. I volunteered at a CPS bridge program with some of the most terrible 8th graders I've ever met. But they were a funny bunch. I got an iPhone and a Mac book which I never dreamed of because I never imagined I would have 2 major products from a brand I used to not like.  

When I try to recall what happened in all of 2013, memories flood my mind like a tidal wave. There is an profound mix of emotions hard to separate. To be honest, I almost titled this piece "The Most Shitty Year of My Life. Before summer, I was heading down a very wrong path. I drank almost everyday, and smoked every other day. Life sucked. I got off of academic probation which was a good thing but just as I thought things were looking better, I found out my dad had late stage stomach cancer. And I found out my uncle almost died but somehow they managed to revive him after his heart stopped beating for an whole hour. The period before summer was just miserable. I had no goal in my life, I stopped going to church, and I was just alone all the time, in my own world of misery. I thought no one understood me and hated the world. A college student with no direction, I felt useless. I had no major declared and was just trying to get by. Things got so bad after the spring semester, I almost wanted to kill my self. I mean can you imagine how it felt to find out your dad has cancer, and late stage? WTF? Late stage? I was dumbfounded. I was at a loss for words when my mom called. He felt discomfort the summer earlier is his lower backside for months. He went to get checked out at a clinic and the stupid doctor said it was nothing. and half a year later, it was cancer. My whole world came crashing down. To add to that, my mom called me again a few weeks later saying that my uncle was in the ER. She said he had cardiac arrest and they were still trying to revive him. I was once again speechless. I kept wondering why bad stuff kept happening to my family. The pressures of school and my parents didn't help. By the end of the semester I was overwhelmed. My parents didn't even bother to try and come to pick me up. They asked someone else to take me home. I resented them for that. They had no idea how much darkness was in my heart. I hated the world. One more thing and might just lose it. And then it happened. My mom yelled at me the first weekend back home because I didn't do dishes. I was so tired from school and just wanted 1 weekend to relax. I guess that was too much to ask for. That argument lead to somewhere else. That triggered a button that was never supposed to be touched. It activated "despair". I felt so overwhelmed with sadness I grabbed a pair of garden shears and put it against my left wrist. I recall the cold metal on my skin and thought to my self what if I just pulled it across my wrist?

How much blood would I see> Would I even feel it? What is it like to die from blood loss? Would my parents even care? Heck, I wouldn't care if they grieved. They wronged me. But then God stepped in. I suddenly felt fear. I could not bring my self to pull the blade of the shears across my wrist. And I guess at that moment, It was like the spirit of God guided my hand and told me to put the shears down. A week after that I started going to CCUC. I told some of my close friends what happened and they prayed for me. After that, I was on the path to healing. As dumb and as petty as my motives for contemplating suicide were, my mental just became that unstable during that point. It was not a good place to be in. It was dark and grim and I felt lost. 

Going back to church helped a lot. There were people who had been through similar situations as me so they understood my pain. Talking about it really helped me in opening my eyes. I was not alone! I felt better knowing that I was not the only one going through tough times. I felt like I was a part of the family. They were very nice and welcoming towards me. Maybe it was because I already knew some people there. Who knows. A few weeks later, I got a touring job, helping little second graders with summer homework and what not.  Now I knew how my mom must have felt teaching little kids. These kids were insane. Well maybe not that extreme. But they were certainly loud and very rambunctious. They drove me nuts every 2 days of the week I was there. Concurrently, the days I did not work, I went to my mom's school to volunteer. It was a CPS bridge program so there were kids there for summer school, specifically kids that did not pass. These 8th graders were rude, foul mouthed, and very uncultured. Most of their back grounds were from low income areas and many were in gangs. In 8th grade! It's crazy I know. They were pretty bright but they did not want  to try at all when it came to academics. They were also a very funny bunch because they never ceased to crack me up. But they were also a handful to deal with most of the time. By the end of the program, my mom said I cold have a iPhone for all my hard work and not bumming around at home all summer. And I was pretty satisfied with that. Summer was eventful and I could not complain. I just didn't like the beginning part. Things started looking up again. The week before I started the Fall 2013 semester, I had finally declared a major. Communications. Though I still don't know what direction I'm going with it, I must say, it is another milestone in my life. I felt somewhat accomplished. From there I thought things could only get better.

Now fast forward to October of this semester. Everything was going alright. And then one day, the unthinkable happened. I came home one time, very tired from class and wanted to relax, so I started playing GTA V. I was having fun and as you know in GTA games, wild driving, laughing about running over people and just shooting randomly at pedestrians. Its violent and everything else. But then one of my housemates got a call and he went upstairs. He kept saying "what?" like 15 times in succession. My friend and my other housemates didn't know what was happening. Then the friend on the phone came down stairs a little later, teary eyed and stammered "Mimi died in the car accident today". I slowly paused my game and put down the controller. We didn't know if he was kidding, or if it was sick joke, but then we knew he would never joke about something like that. We were dumb founded. No one spoke for an hour. We made our way to the friend's apartment as she wanted to call a meeting to discuss what happened. We got to her apartment and she wasn't there. Her roommates told us she went to Mimi's apartment and her parents were there. So we went there, and then my housemate Jon and I proceeded upstairs to Mimi's apartment. We saw her family there. Mom, dad, and her little sister. Her mom was teary eyed and we could tell she had been crying because her eyes were puffy and red. We talked for a bit and they said they would be back during the weekend to sort things out. We went home that night confused. It felt so surreal. It felt like a bad nightmare that would go away the next morning. I looked at all the news reports within the local area but found no confirmation of her name. There was one more victim who survived and her name was released but no Mimi. At least not yet. I couldn't believe it. Later that night, her name appeared in the news. I was shocked, I didn't want to believe it but it was the truth. I thought, If I don't see the body, I will refuse to believe this shitty news. That weekend was her funeral. I couldn't cry either because I was too busy trying to comfort everyone else. I saw her body resting peacefully in the casket at the funeral home but it kind of didn't look like her. I guess I I was still in denial. The burial ceremony was the hardest part. As they prepared to lower the casket into the ground, it was heart wrenching to see Mimi's dad pound his fist on the casket and burst out sobbing. It was just so painful.No parent should have to bury their child. She was only 20 years old, and her future was cut short by an idiot of an person. During the funeral, I finally was able to cry for few seconds. I held it in for as long as I could but I too needed a release. Good thing my best friend wast there. He hugged me as I cried for a good 20 seconds but I did not want to let anyone see me cry so I wiped my tears as fast as I could. People asked me if I was okay, but I lied and said yes. But I was not. I couldn't grasp that fact that a girl I knew for almost 10 years just suddenly passed away. It was surreal and still feels so. It was terrible. nobody in their early 20 should have to attend a funeral. It messed me and all of my friends up. We never expected her to go. But if God wills it, I guess we all must go. Two weeks later, I got a tattoo in her honor. It was a piano with the words RIP Dear Friend written on it. Mimi was a great pianist and I wanted the tattoo (my first ever) to carry a symbolic meaning. It was painful but no where near the pain her parents must have felt. Ever since then things have been mediocre at best.

And today marks the end of the Fall 2013 semester. I am finally home. I still don't know what my final grades are but I'm not too worried. I thought its such a relief to be home. My mom told me to go say hi to my dad because he hasn't been doing to well. She told me he had to take morphine because he has had intense pains as of recent. She told me the doctor put him on the third type of drug and once this drug loses its effect, it means the end is near. She also told me he couldn't eat for days and has very intense bowel movements. I didn't know how to respond. So I went upstairs to see how my dad was doing. He looked very skinny. I doubt he weighed above 110 lbs. He said he was tired and ready to sleep. So i went down stairs. I almost cried. It was so painful and saddening to see my dad in that situation. I can't stop thinking about the worse case scenario. I am a pretty pessimistic so it was very hard to get my hopes up. I just pray God will let a miracle happen as childish as it seems. My cousin told me my mom has been very stressed so he picked up dish washing. I promised him I would cook more too over break. I want to do everything in my power to make sure my mom does not become over stressed. I want to make sure my dad never has another thing to worry about besides living his life to the fullest. I don't know how much time he has left but I do pray they will be good times. Thinking back, though he is my step dad in actuality, he has sacrificed a lot for this family. I feel very stupid and ungrateful. I feel like a worthless son. Why haven't I tried to fix our relationship? Why was I such a bad child when I was younger? Now that he is in that state, I feel like its almost too late to fix our relationship. We never talked much. I thought he was never proud of me. But in retrospect all he wished in life was for me to be successful and exceed his expectations. Because of his cancer, I don't even know if he can live to see me graduate. I'm just praying that God will save his soul and body, and if possible, cure him of this sickness.

2013 has been very rough in general. But I feel that living on this earth, everyday is a blessing from God.  I learned to never take anyone for granted. You never know what you have til it's gone. There is much truth in that. And if you have the time to fix a relationship, by all means try your hardest to. I learned to appreciate my parents as they have sacrificed much of their lives in ensuring that I will have a good future.
As Psalm 23:3-4 says:
He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. 
And through those dark times, The Lord has been there with me, guiding me every step of the way.

A Week Since Her Passing.

I still can't believe Mimi passed away a week ago. Where did time go? I'm scared that the times and experiences I've had with her will become distant memories. Then again what human experience does not become a distant memory? We mourned all of last week and attended her funeral last weekend. Some of us are still mourning but its not as obvious. It is slowly fading. We are returning to our normal schedules and daily routines. For people that have not been as close to Mimi as some of my friends were, they have a easier time adjusting back to what they were doing before. But for those of us who were touched and deeply affect by who Mimi was as a person, our perspectives on life have been altered forever. But even so we begin to move on. As blunt as brutal as it sounds. As much as I don't like stating the truth. This might sound idiotic,  but tomorrow, I will get a tattoo in her honor. It will be a piano with the words "RIP Dear Friend" on it. It will be drawn on my left forearm. My parents would probably flip, but eventually think nothing of it. It is against my religion to get anything tattoos as Leviticus 19: 28 states "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD." But Im sure God already knew I was going to get one. HE probably will forgive me for this one.

Being scared of forgetting the memories of a deceased friend is very real. We have pictures, videos, texts, chats, presents, and the likes to remind us they were once on this earth. But they are no longer with us today. We can no longer convey our feelings towards her. For us religious folks she is probably an Angel in heaven and probably can hear and feel our every thought. Everyone treats their memories in different ways. Getting a tattoo is just my way of never forgetting her life. I went into the parlor very wishy-washy, indecisive and the artists their said you need to know exactly what you want. This stood out to me because this has been my very problem in life. I am not decisive and have suffered a lot because of it .  But it took me no longer than 15 minutes for the idea this time. Its not that I didn't give this a serious thought. I was going to carry a mark on my body forever. This had to be something simple yet symbolic. Something that carries a deep meaning to me. I was convicted this time. It will be a Piano.

As many of us knew, Mimi was avery talented piano player. Her skills took her to many places, she met many people. Her music touched many souls. But above her piano skills showed her dedication. All of her videos. The sounds the Piano made when she played. She commanded the keys with confidence and authority. The beautiful and fluid sounds the piano made when she played. As corny as it sounds it was like "Picasso on the canvas". Her life taught me many things. Things like be decisive. Be dedicated to what you do and be passionate. Be genuine and sincere. Live life to the fullest. Love, laugh, cry. Be strong and caring. Its okay to go party and drink at times. But get your work done. Study hard and play hard as times require.

A role model right in front of my eyes. All these things I was blind to. But now that she's gone, I've realized how much I could have learned from her while she was alive. I want her to know just how much of an impact she's made on my life and the life of others. I miss her very much. And Im sure you guys too. We'll see you on the other side one day, I'll promise you that.

Worst Week of my Life

This is officially one of the worst weeks of my life. I want to tell my self to get over it. Try to move on. But I cannot. My mind keeps drifting back to that Wednesday night when we heard the dreadful news. I am still hurting inside despite all of my posts and encouragement to others. I tried to stay strong and not cry for as long as I could. Maybe that was my problem. My lack of tears and determination to stay strong has prevented me to express my profound sadness over the passing of a long time friend. I shed little tears here and there but I could not burst out sobbing. As a little child I was told men should never cry, no matter what. But in a situation like this, I really had no idea what to do. I couldn't cry when I heard she had passed on. I could not cry when helping her parents clean out her apartment. I could not cry when creating an event page inviting all of her closest friends to attend her Funeral Service. I could not cry when I went to see her body in the casket. I could not cry when I gave my final speech about her life this morning. I was finally able to cry when we went to the cemetery to say our final goodbyes at her burial. My best friend hugged me as I began to wail. Though that lasted only a minute as I took deep breaths to calm my self down. I did not want to make a scene when most everyone was done crying. I remembered everything I wrote this past week and did not want to be a hypocrite.

How would I have looked to everyone and her if they have seen me breakdown so hard? Was it an issue of pride? Did I not want to embarrass myself? In private I have talked to friends and told them it was okay to cry, to let it all out because grieving was a part of the healing process. I've seen them cry and express their pain. So why could I not do it? Did I not want to acknowledge the fact that I was hurting too? I don't know. I am a wreck right now. My feelings go from one extreme to another and I am just exhausted. Yesterday I kept my self occupied all day. Picked up friends and went the the funeral home 3 times. Not once did I cry. I tried to take my mind off things. Tried to keep a positive front in front of all of my friends. But when I am alone, I am filled with darkness. Regret. Sadness. Pain. Anguish. I feel alone and I keep wondering what she must have thought in her last moment. She was alone. Unlike a terminally ill patient who would be surrounded by family and friends til their last moments, she passed alone. Its it fair that we comfort each other when she went through all that pain and passed alone into the next world? I want someone to hold on to me so I could just be vulnerable and let go and be told things will be okay. But I felt that would be very unfair to her. I felt guilty to be comforted and consoled. I thought I could handle the pain alone but I couldn't be further off the mark.  So I don't know who to go to or what to do besides writing. I keep writing these stupid blogs. People have reached out to me and offered to consul me but all I could do was say thanks I'm fine. Why can't I be honest? When people ask me if I am doing okay I say I am. But my mind and soul are not. They hate me for lying to my self. They hate me fro trying to be strong when I am actually a weak person. They hate me for being a hypocrite, because I consul others and forget how much problems I have myself.

I think that writing will make me feel better because I am pouring my heart into it and everyone can understand or relate. But I sill find it insufficient to express my grief and sadness. I don't know when I'll ever find closure and peace, but until then, all I can do is write these posts. I just sit there with the sound of a mechanical keyboard clacking to keep me busy. To keep me from breaking down.

I just kept thinking how sad it was. How rotten of a person I am. How could I wait til the day of her funeral to give her a flower? I've liked her for so long though that was on and off. It was unrequited but I still loved her. Never gave her anything all of these years I've known her. Not during her Birthday, Christmas, Valentines day. But today, all I gave her was a flower when she was about to be buried. I cant understand why God had to take her away. She did nothing to deserve this. It makes me wonder how a petty and a sinful person like me still stands and she had to go. I feel like I am being punished for something I did. Is God trying to use this tragedy to teach me a lesson? I'll never know. But one thing I have learned is that life is fragile. You never know when its your turn. My turn. I learned to never take anybody for granted. Even if the times you spent is bad or good, you can only realize how precious that time was in retrospect. She was a blessing to me. To us. And most of all to her Family. Now we all have to bear with the fact that she is gone. I regret deeply for having taken her for granted.

I hope I can stop writing about her passing soon. I feel guilty because these posts are about me and my feelings too. I feel that everyone who sees these posts are getting tired of me ranting and going crazy. I hate my self for not being able to keep personal feelings private but at a time like this, Its this or losing my mind.

I hope she is in a better place now, watching over us. I hope I can make her proud. But that I'll never know. And I will ensure I will do everything I can to remember her until it is my turn to go see her on the other side.

RIP Mimi, It was a blessing to have known you for the time I have. You have brought me many joys and have taught me what it means to be a genuine person. A strong person. You listened to me complain to about everything and not once did you complain to me about your problems. You were the greatest friend anyone could ask for. I cant be sorry enough about how I mistreated you and took you for granted. And I will always love you from the bottom of my heart.

Eulogy for Mimi, an Dear Irreplaceable Friend

I don't know where to begin. I am still somewhat in denial even though I have been hit hard with reality. I keep asking myself why? Why her of all people? She was a gift from God to this world, she lived a very meaningful and a full 20 and a half years. She was caring, loving, and a genuine amicable person. With a passion for what she did, not only was she a talented musician, she was also a dedicated member of society, always ready to meet and help people that she came across.

She was born on May, 8th 1993. Though I could not say much about her childhood, but as  close friend, I knew that she was generous, dependable and down to earth. Her brilliant smile could cheer you up. When you had a bad day you could always tell her your worries and she would comfort you. She got along with everyone and never had trouble making friends. She never complained much about anything and was steadfast in her ways. She was the definition of a tough woman. Stubborn at times, yet independent. She had a very bright and promising  future.

I knew her during the first grade. Various circumstances took me to another school and I would not meet her again until 7th grade. I knew her from then until a few days ago, when tragedy struck and it took her away from me again. I knew for almost 10 years. I'll be honest and say those 10 years  really meant a lot to me. Though they weren't always happy times, they were times that I will cherish forever. I try to leave personal feelings out as much as I can but I cannot bear the fact that a friend I've known for so long was just suddenly gone. I can't help but look at her Facebook page and old photos. I couldn't believe she was alive a few days ago. I remember her last interaction with me was liking one of the Instagram photos I posted. Her last text message to me was for me to teach her how to make chicken soup from scratch because she had a very bad cold. 

I really had a crush on her. It was on and off but she was the only girl I've had crush on for so long. I told her my feelings and got rejected. She wanted to stay friends but I couldn't take the hint. I would back off for a while but those feelings never died. I would tell her this many times, yet every time, I was rejected. Eventually I became resentful. I was jealous of all the other guys that she had a close relationship with. Looking back I feel very petty and not very manly at all. I was childish and could not see our relationship for what it was. I took our friendship for granted and I will have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. But now I can never convey my feelings to her again. She will no longer be there to hear my complaints or make jokes about things that we enjoy. We can never again cook together and enjoy our creations. I really did love her, and always will.

On the day of her passing, many of us got an Illini alert saying there was an accident and some roads were closed. Many of us gave no second thought and went on the day like usual. But little did we know the awful turn of events that transpired that day while we were obliviously engrossed in our daily tasks. I even remember talking to another friend and she mentioned someone passed away. I didn't give it much thought except for that hopefully it wasn't someone I knew. After hearing the news later that night,  I was devastated. My roommates and I were quiet for a whole hour. We were at an absolute loss for words.

Parents should never have to bury their children. Later that night, I met up with Mimi's parents and I could tell Mrs. Liu had been crying. Her eyes were swollen red, yet she did not cry at that moment. Mimi's little sister Annie also did not shed tears. Mr. Liu spoke in a calm voice and told us he would let us know of their plans. I thought to myself, "Wow, these are the strongest people I've ever met". They maintained their composure even through such a tragic time. But I could not imagine the pain, anguish, regret and sorrow they must have felt.  For their worst nightmare to become reality. How could their baby girl that they have painstakingly raised, taught, and  sent to school, be taken away from them so suddenly? How will Annie feel now that her sister is gone forever? The tears her family shed would be so immense and filled with sorrow that we would not comprehend until one of our own family members have passed away. 

What I miss the most about Mimi would be her smile. The warmth of her embrace. Her playfulness. Her long flowing hair and the sweetness of her fragrance. The time we spent together. Now that she is gone, it's as if a part of my life just vanished, never to return. It's a void that can never be filled, for she was an irreplaceable friend. Many of us probably have the same feelings. We all regret not being able to say our last goodbyes. But I could not imagine what Mimi had thought in her final moments. All her plans, aspirations, dreams, cut short. She was alone in her last moments and that is the saddest part of all. I hope her passing was instant and painless, as gut wrenching and horrible as it is to say. And I hope she knows that she is still surrounded by many caring and loving friends and her family.

 As the D12 song goes :

They say the good die young,

That's why I think that you should have fun (when you're young)

Cos time won't wait for no one (uh huh)

When god calls, you gotta go home (go home)

They say the good die young, (die young)

That's why I know that we go' have fun,

In this life cos you only get one

When God calls for me, don't cry I just went home

Not only is this a day to mourn, but it is a day to commemorate what Mimi stood for, a day to celebrate her life and her many accomplishments. We need to remember her spirit and what she stood for. We need to carry on her ideals because now she lives through us and our memories of her. And she will stay in our hearts forever. 

Rest in Peace Mimi,

You were known by many, but loved by all.

Mourning the Loss of a Long Time Friend

Today marks one of the worst days of my life. I lost a long time friend. I knew this girl since second grade. Then I transferred to another school and wouldn't meet her again til 5 years later. I don't even think she remembered that time but that's inconsequential. Counting all the years I knew her, first grade, and then 7-12th grade, and then 3 years in college, I would say that's about a little 9 years. Flash forward today. I got an Illini alert this morning at around 11 AM. Lincoln Ave in Urbana between Nevada and Pennsylvania were closed due to an accident investigation. At first I thought this text meant nothing, nothing to do with me, just another minor accident. I could not be more wrong. I went through the day like normal. Until I got home. I was just relaxing and playing GTA V until one roommate of mine got a phone call. At first I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying as he kept saying what in a surprised voice. Later he came down and stammered in a panic that "Mimi died in an car accident today".  I couldn't believe my ears at first. I thought this was a sick joke or a nightmare. I would punch my self, wake up and everything would be fine. But that dreaded feeling crept up on me and every second felt like eternity. I got a drink and something to smoke. It dawned on me that he was telling the truth but my head would not connect the dots. Maybe its a defense mechanism against very shocking news, i was in denial.  Drinking didn't help, smoking didn't help. I was trying to shield myself from such horrible news.

Later we drove to some friends house as we heard there was a meeting. Then we were told those friends went to the victim's apartment and that her parents where there. We went up to meet them and they told us even they didn't not have all the details and would have to contact a funeral home that was close to us back in Chicago for further arrangements.

Mimi was stuck by a pick up truck. The driver had no insurance and was said to have succumbed to diabetic shock when the incident happened. The coroner wont release details until 24 hours after the incident so we are still left in the dark as to what exactly happened to her.

 Leaving the grotesqueness of this accident, after hearing of her passing earlier tonight, all of her friends including me took to social media to mourn her passing. But no matter how many pictures we post, she is gone. She will never return. Every friend she had had different memories of her and with her. Yet we cannot fathom the loss, the pain, the regret her family feels. I saw Mimi's family today. Her mother's eyes were red from crying but when we saw her, she was a strong woman. She did not cry. Her dad did not cry. Her little sister did not cry. But behind those strong facades, I knew exactly how they must have felt. Mimi's parents must have lost sleep, and shed sweat and tears to raise her. Mimi was only 20 and a half years old and God took Mimi away from her parents. From us. Parents should never have to bury their children. As a Christian, I don't even know what to believe. I think this is extremely unfair to her parents and us as her friends. She was a young woman in her college days, learning more about the world and she probably had a very bright future ahead of her. Yet it was cut short by a careless and reckless driver.

I loved Mimi, I really did. I confessed to her many time throughout high school and once during college. But that was a love unrequited. She told me there were better girls out there for me and wanted to stay just friends. I understood. But time and time again, of all the girls I had a crush on, I came back to her numerous times and numerous times I was rejected. I became resentful at times, and jealous. But I realized we could never be anything more than friends. Now I cannot apologize enough for the times I hurt her, said mean things or put her in an awkward position. As they say You never know the true value of someone or something til their gone. I miss our friend ship. I took her for granted, I miss the times we had together, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad. I miss her smile, playfulness, jokes, and our conversation. Not to sound like a creep but I also miss her long flowing hair, the sweet smell of her fragrance. The warmth of her embrace. I'm still in such shock that I cannot cry. Because I also cannot fathom how a wonderful person like her had to have her life taken away.

Just the other day she Snapchatted me and sent me a picture of her medicine and a bag of halls. She said she was sick and i was concerned so I told her get well soon. Today I went to visit her room and saw the exact meds that she sent me pictures of . Only now Mimi isn't there to joke about those things and she is no longer with us. As a Christian, I am having very conflicting thoughts. Why GOD? Why would you take away an innocent young woman with so much potential? I don't even think prayer can answer my questions but I am going to pray for her family. They need as much support as they can get. More than we can ever give, so much more than we ever need.

#RIP Mimi, I loved you and always will. I hope you are in a better place now and will watch over us. Just so you know, this isn't a goodbye, its a see you later.

And as John 14:1-4 says : “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

As for now, time seemed to have stopped. I am still in denial.  But one thing I do know for sure. Tell your close friends and family you love them. Hug them. Be genuine. And never take anything for granted. Cuz you never know what you have lost til its gone. 

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Have you ever gotten the feeling that no matter what you did it was never good enough? Or the choices you made are always wrong? In my parents eyes, it feels as if I can never meet their expectations. I am always doing something that disappoints them. Something that might shame the family. There are plenty of days where I feel like shit after a chewing out by my parents. It can be over the pettiest stuff, but my parents just don't think I good enough. Because of how I was raise, I was taught there is nothing you can be proud of of, because someone, somewhere, somebody will be better than you. As an Asian, being compared to other people is common place. Almost every Asian parent will compare you to somebody else, be it friends, relatives ,classmates, you name it. When my parents are talking with other parents, the other parents would be boasting about their children and their accomplishments but my parents say they have nothing good to say about me. They can only sit there with a fake smile and reply oh "my son is doing okay" when it gets to their turn. Its like character trait within me is flawed. It makes me feel like my life has been a lie and that my parents really don't love me. In fact they could do better if I wasn't there. If at all born. I might be overreacting but after years of feeling like this, there really isn't anything I could do to boost myself confidence. All the excuses and preexisting conditions don't even really matter. Cuz in the end who really cares if you have Muscular Dystrophy and have been misunderstood for 10 years? or judged? If you fail, then you fail. You're labeled a failure and no one will forget that. Because your accomplishments always get less attention than your failures. I can't even tell whether somebody is genuinely complimenting me or just brown nosing anymore. People say they are jealous of me and that makes me angry because they don't know what I have been through and whatever I have comes with things they would want no part of .

 Just this summer I have a brief moment of contemplating suicide. Granted it was brief but rather terrifying, It was a dark and lonely place to be in and I never want to go back to that place again. So I sought out God and went to church and that was the end of that or so I thought. I thought by going back to church with people my age who might have had similar experiences would help. In some respect it did because frankly there were people who had similar experiences as me. I had all these tools at my disposal to fight off the darkness. And it was working. But now I feel as if the darkness once again is slowing creeping up on me and perhaps I would relapse one day as much as I don't want to be there. When my parents show displeasure with me, it is very easy to tell. Their voice sound disgustingly whiny and they yell. They make all these outrageous threats that are completely out of proportions and almost do not relate to the what they are complaining about in the first place. And then they use very crude language. When you have been living with parents like this since childhood, I think it's a no brainier you turn into a cold, selfish, and pessimistic person.

Many people whom I've me always think I'm a happy guy, always cheerful and joking around. But little do they know the darkness that I harbor and have gone through. That seems reasonable because no one wants to be around a person whose always in a sullen mood. So I don't really talk to people when I have a hard time. I let it get to me and then I need to smoke and drink a little to relieve stress. Do these things make me feel any better? Not really but in the moment it takes my mind off things. And then I pick up the bible, read some verses and hopefully I can go to sleep with some sense of peace. But then the cycle starts again sometime later. Being bounced around between good times and bad times is just so painful. I just want some stability and peace in life so I can finish college and join the real word. But things just do seem like its gonna get any better that what it currently is. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There just doesn't seem to be a way out of this place. I realized my parents don't have faith in me and they really shouldn't. My freshman year in college, I was belligerent and not responsible at all for my actions and got put on probation. I had to work my ass off just to get back to where I am today. Every semester I have had at least a C in my grades. High school was no different. Ever since high school, my parents have called me stupid, idiotic, careless, not responsible. Not a very kind family. They also claim I am spoiled and selfish. I wonder where I went wrong? Can it all be me? Is everything my faulty? Are my parents blameless? God created people and I guess this means he chose our families. there is nothing I can do about it. I sincerely appreciate my family but it does not seem to be reciprocated.

My parents always have to be right. I am always wrong. I am 21 and relying on them for schooling so everything they say goes. If I just do something slightly off they threaten me and say I must take out my own loans. They also mention so and so's parents also made them take out loans so why can't I. This time it happened because I called my parents and said I dropped a course and went down from 18 hours to 14 hours. They snapped like usual and told me they were very angry with me. They think I won't be able to graduate on time and will turn out to be a worthless bum. I don't how much more harsh they can get. And then they expect me to function normally without getting mad at all after they used terrible language.

 By now my parents should have some clue they aren't very effective parents and their ways of dealing with me has caused lots of mental anguish and pain over the years. They fail to understand I still have mental scars from being misunderstood since childhood and whatever negative experiences I have accumulated only makes me more angry and a hateful person. I can't be more descriptive on how terrible of a personality I have and how my parent's parenting have influenced me. They fail to realize I no longer am confident in anything I do because 7 out of 10 things they've said to me were put downs. They never really said they were proud of anything I did and dismiss them as small things that aren't really worth praising. They rarely said they loved me and I couldn't recall once where my step dad even expressed anything towards me. It's so awkward at home that I barely speak to my step dad. His students are closer with him than me. I don't feel the least bit jealous either. I guess that's a pretty fucked up way to live. So at home I still barely talk to my step dad. I just ask him how he feels and what not and how his health is. Ever since he was diagnosed with late stage stomach cancer in February, I guess it has made the family closer but only by a little. We still argue. My parents still use very vulgar language when they are pissed off at me. They still think I'm useless and compare me to everyone. They don't see me as me. It's like I'm not my own person and I can only exist when there is a comparison between me and another person, but with me as the inferior. Being treated as such by my parents is probably a huge contribution to why I feel like I'm always living in somebody else's shadow. I can go on and on but this rant will go in circles and I will only revisit things I want to forget or have already mentioned. So what was my point in writing this super negative piece? It lets me vent and that is something invaluable to me since I am prone to over contemplating. It lets keep release the negative energy that might otherwise make me go mad or perhaps relapse to that dark time. There have been countless times where I just sit in despair. I just wish I could go somewhere alone since there really hasn't been anyone where I can divulge my deepest darkest moments. There hasn't really been a person whom I can borrow a shoulder and pour out my thoughts. My only outlet is to write, drink, smoke, listen to music and then pray to God. In the mean time, I gotta make this place between a rock and a hard place as comfortable as I can. Because life is a huge trial, and the day where we face no more hardships, is probably the day we die.

Gaming: Some Old Folks Just Don't Get It

This probably started back in high school. For instance, I used to play Call of Duty. Every time I play the damn game, my mom is always asking if I finished my homework. I finished my homework. I need some time to blow off steam and take a break. They tell me I can't play and go review some more. It is the weekend and there is nothing else to do so I try to play again. Again my parents deny my request to play some video games. There are always more and more excuses as to why I cannot play.

Some odd years later and here I am, summer of 2013, a college student. Bored at night after a hard day's work. I play some League of Legends and sure enough, my mom barges into my room telling me to go to sleep and saying really nasty things. She says my dad is unhappy. Sometimes my dad complains and says I'm being too loud. My parents constantly bother me when I play league at night. Well based on my observations about 80% of my league buddies play between the hours of 10 pm -3 am. My room is in the basement so typically I'm not disturbing anyone. However they choose not to sleep in their bedroom which is on the second floor and come to the basement. Given that my only room in the house is in the basement, it is rather impossible for me to be anymore quiet. I LIVE IN THEIR HOUSE. IM 21 and should have been kicked out. I guess it's their kindness that they let me live with them still. After all I'm just another useless person in society with Muscular dystrophy and have no bright future at all... But why sleep in the basement when your master bedroom is on the second floor? Why come down when you know your son is a 21 year old male and therefore almost certainly going to be blasting music or gaming at night, among other unmentionable activities?!

And they keep telling me staying up late is bad for me and it is slow suicide and that I'm going to die an early death blah blah blah..... until God puts me in the dirt, I aint dying. i mean we die eventually anyway. So I tell my mom just after this game i will go to sleep. She talks for another 10 minutes telling me really mean things. Not only does this distracts me from my game which requires lots of focus and teamwork, it makes me extremely irate because this is like the 1000th time she's done this to me. And then it makes me very unhappy. My good day has been ruined. Thanks Mom. You are quite good at ruining my mood before I get a good night's rest.

So why the need to threaten to kick me out of the house? The threat to make me pay for my tuition on my own? Just because I played some League of Legends with my close friends around midnight? What have I ever done wrong to deserve this kind of treatment? I know I have certain health issues and that my step dad recently got cancer. I know they are trying to watch out for me but who knows their health better than themselves? I certainly don't have a gaming addiction. Its summer time so there really is nothing to study for. I have a summer job in which I still get up for and arrive 30 minutes early. Is sleeping around midnight or 1 or 2 am really that bad for one's health? Am I really throwing my life away? Are humans not able to adapt to the times and situation? My parents keep thinking I'm so fragile at sleeping 1 hour later or less is going to kill me at any moment. And then more excuses come flooding in... but look at it this way: How many college students are there in the United States? Now how many of them play video games? More specifically around midnight....how many more are around my age? How many sleeps around 12 am - 1 am.... and wake up around 8:30? Are all of those people going to get some kind of incurable disease in the future and die an early death? My parents keep telling me its slow suicide and keep telling me "studies have shown..." Studies my ass. They can't even find a report on the number of college students in American that play League of Legends around midnight who get 7 hours of sleep or less. Their excuses aren't exactly compelling given all of the statistics they can't prove.

They way I see it, perhaps my parents think gaming is some kind of evil, some kind of vice so deadly it might kill them if they tired just a bit of it. On top of that, my parents are straight from the mainland (China), immigrants but well educated. Their background was rough and "games" probably never existed during their childhood. I understand that but why must they take away our happiness? Do they not understand this is the 21st century? 90's children were practically born with video games as a part of our mass consumer culture. Many games are now considered national sports and people actually make a living from them. I'm just trying to play causally as a means to connect with my friends that I cant always be with. I'm trying to build bonds with peers that weren't as strong before because we've had no similar interests and finally we found something we all have a common interest in. So many positives can come from gaming when you have your priorities in place but my parents remain stubbornly blind to that fact. 

I go to work and church when I'm supposed to, I read the Bible at night, I try my best to be a decent person and just live a normal quite life but my parents always find something at fault with me. If it's not sleeping too late it's that I'm wasting my life on games. 

I guess God really is testing my patience too. I try really hard not to be a bad son, and not to disrespect my parents behind their backs but I get extremely angry when they disturb me during a gaming session for no good reason other than to tell me I need to go to bed. I just hope my parents understand one day that I'll be okay with 6-7 hours of sleep during the summer days.

Service

Service. This word can have multiple definitions depending on the context. As a noun, service is the action of  doing work for someone or helping them. As a verb it can mean performing and routine check, or maintenance on something. But as Christians what should service mean to us?

Service should encompass both of these definitions as well as carrying out God's Ideals. That means we should serve the Church community as well as the local community. It means we should hold food drives, fundraisers, community outreach programs and the likes. We should be spreading the good news  of the Gospel not just by preaching what is written in the Word, but we should also be physically serving the community.

There are so many ways to serve. But as Christians, often times we do not serve enough, nor can we ever serve enough. Why is that? We tend to think that there will always be people who are willing to serve the community so those roles have been covered. But the truth is, there aren't as many people serving the community as we think there are. In fact, there are not enough people serving.

And then when faced with the question as to why some Christians do not serve enough, the excuses come flooding through. People claim to be too busy with work. They are too tired, they have no time...blah blah blah. What can be so serious that one cannot take one hour a week at the very least to serve? What can be so important that it takes more priority than serving God's people and delivering the good news? Our religion is not based on good works that gets us to heaven, it is by grace. But this is no excuse to not serve. John 13:12-14 says:"When he had washed their feet and put on his outer garments and resumed his place, he said to them, “Do you understand what I have done to you? You call me Teacher and Lord, and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet." Jesus served his disciples by washing their feet. He set an example that we should all follow. This is not in the literal sense that we should also wash other people's feet, but that we should also do everything we can in our power to serve.

There is also the excuse that some people will not be recognized for their hard work or effort. for that excuse, Colossians 3:23-24 says : "Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ".

Sometimes I get the feeling that non-Christians really don't like us. They think we are some Jesus loving freaks and that we serve for ulterior motives. They think that once they attend some even hosted by the Church that they will be forced into Christianity. I really feel sorry for those people. We are children of the Lord, and by that definition, it is our nature to serve. God loves us and we should love each other. Jesus served us and we should serve others. His ultimate service to us was dying for us on the cross. He saved us from damnation and gave his life for us. That is the ultimate price Jesus paid for service. And here we are complaining about being too tired to served and that we can't even give up an hour of our time.

On an closing note, we do not want to convert people by service because that not what service is about. Service is one way that we as Christians spread the good news of the Gospel.  We serve because we love. And that should be our motto.

Lost Sheep is found and Returning to the Pastures

Remember that story about the the lost sheep I wrote a little while back? well lets continue the story shall we?

...So the little sheep cried and cried surrounded by darkness and loneliness and thought there was no way out of the forest. Suddenly, one day, a voice, a very familiar voice spoke to him. "Do not be afraid anymore little one, for I have come to save you". The voice was that of his Shepard. Soon, a very bright light appeared to surround the little sheep and led him slowly out of the dark cave in the forest. The sheep was hesitant at first about following the light but soon, the warmth of the light started to calm the sheep. The sheep has not felt such warmth in so long and was eager to follow where the light guided him. Soon, before the sheep knew how much time had past, he was already out of the dark woods and on a clear path back to the pastures. The sky was bright and clear. The air was warm and the sun never shined any brighter. The Shepard had led the little sheep back into the pastures, back into the flock of other little sheep who had also been once lost. Can I get a Amen?

You can probably tell that the little sheep was me and that the story was an allegory for my struggles this past month. 2 and a half weeks back during finals week, I was lost. I drank every day. I smoked everyday. Honestly God wasn't on my mind one bit. I turned away from him. I had abandoned him. And then that weekend when I got home, I had a little spat with my mom. That was my breaking point. I've been through a really hard time this past semester and that was my breaking point. I wanted to die. I contemplated suicide for a good 5-10 minutes. It was one of the lowest points of my life. But then, a couple days later, I received some very encouraging words from some friends. They told me to turn back to God and the Bible. 

Long story short, I did. My friends convinced me to go to the CCUC college camp and it might have been one of the best decisions I've made in a long time. The time from when I felt like dying to going to camp, it felt like months, when it has actually only been 2 weeks. When I finally got to camp, It was as if God had led me back into the pastures with all the other sheep that had also been hurt before. Honestly I had no expectations for camp. I didn't know what would happen during or after camp. But God's plans are always right. I learned more about his word. I met new brothers and sisters in Christ. I sang and prayed like I never did before.

All during camp, our guest speaker Pastor Robin Koshy preached to us many messages from the Bible and everyone of them, I felt was directed at me and my problems. He preached about Sarah and Unbelief. Rachel and Leah and Envy. Jacob and Self - Sufficiency. Jacob and Esau and Forgiveness.  And last but not least, Joseph and his Dysfunctional family. All of these things were factors that led to me being lost. But God's grace is far greater than the sums of all of my problems.

For far too long I have doubted God. For far too long I was envious of others. I turned to drinking and smoking, and I thought I could handle everything alone. I thought I was self sufficient and didn't need anyone else to help me deal with my problems. I held grudges and was unforgiving. And I always seemed to want to blame my problems on my dysfunctional family. I could have not been more lost. I wrestled with God's grace. He broke me and transformed me. And now I have received the rewards of His grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 And that was the take away from camp. God's Grace is what saves.

When is enough enough: the satisfactions in life(or the lack thereof?)

I am going to start out by stating a little something about my self. I Love Sneakers. I have about 15+ pairs of sneakers and I always want more. This is becoming a bad habit because not only are my sneakers about $160 these days (Jordan's mostly), as soon as I get one pair, I start planing the next pair I hope to purchase some 15 minutes later. So my question is, when is enough truly enough? Can my lust for sneakers ever be satisfied? Can human beings be ever at any point in life truly be satisfied with his or her state of being? Possessions  Relationships?

Lust, Gluttony, Greed, and Envy seems to be the biggest out of the seven deadly sins that contribute to the human mindset that "We never have enough". Some people deal with sexual desires never being able to be satisfied. Some people always want to eat better food. Some people just want more money and material wealth. Some people want better relationships. And some people just can never seem to be satisfied with what they have. They always want what others have. Been there, done that, I am guilty of these sins. People just seem to want more and better. So can this thirst ever be quenched? 

So where is this rant going? Why this subject all of a sudden? Well, I just can't seem to find my purpose in life. This has been going on for years and has not hit me so severely until just recently. I am not satisfied with my answers and what other people have been telling me. I am never satisfied because I am uncertain about my future. I always want to know what will happen, what my destiny is, but I am not fortune teller. I can't find a satisfaction in life and have been fixed on wanting more, wanting better material things. These can only satisfy me for so long. So I am consumed by all of the seven deadly sins. I am a lamb that has walked astray, perhaps tempted by the sweet tales of the Devil. Luring closer and closer to oblivion. He knows my deepest desires and uses them against me. I guess that's why I have been through a hard time as of recent.

Genisis 1:27 states "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." However, we know that God is perfect. if we are created in his image, does that mean we also strive for perfection? But being humans we are not perfect and prone to sinning. Do we strive to become like God? Is that why we try so hard to amass everything? Is that why we always want more and better things? More knowledge? Live longer? This argument might not make much sense but here's my take: Compare God to humans. There is a void that can never be filled. God created humans, and we are his creations. We can never be like him. Not in the most minuscule way. We are even less than an ant compared to the vastness of the universe. God cannot be quantified. Even if our satisfactions were to be completely satisfied, we are still no closer to God or being like him.

Yet God still loves us. Despite our thirst for money, women, cars, clothes, wealth. We complain. We cry. We tell God he is being unfair. We always seem to play victim and think our lives can be better. We are never satisfied. And there is an anxiety that never ceases to gnaw at my soul, because I am never satisfied and unsure. It drives me crazy.

Matthew 6:19-21 says

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

This verse explains perfectly well where our satisfactions will finally be fulfilled. All of our earthly possessions including our bodies will rot one day. But God and Heaven is eternal. If we only seek God to satisfy our thirst, we well never go thirsty. He is a fountain that never ceases to quench thirsts. One drink from that fountain and we'll never thirst again. But at times we forget how that water tastes. The pressures of life on earth can really drive people mad. The Devil is good at what he does and we must not let our guards down. Since we are humans, it is inevitable that we will lower our guards and be tempted at times. I have been led astray and have forgotten how the water tastes. I need to go back to the Lord and need a reminder of how that water tastes. I have been quenched of my thirst but the Devil keeps convincing me I am thirsty for everything except God.

3:45 AM Chiefin and bumpin Kendrick Lamar

3:45 Am I and couldn't sleep.... so i busted a swisher out to chief

laying on the deck with some headphones out, 

bumping me some Kendrick, staring at the early morning clouds 

and I contemplate the meaning of life......

This literally happened an hour ago. Feeling lethargic from the past couple of days, I decided to go to sleep at 10:30 pm. This turned out to be a bad decision as I woke up 5 hours later. It was something between a long nap and a short night's sleep. Since I live in the basement, my room is always cold. So I put on a dark green Nike hoodie, a pair of jeans, grabbed my Zippo lighter, a swisher, my Shure headphones and my phone. Then I quietly opened my back door and went up to the deck from there. 

When I opened the door and stepped out, the air was pretty warm. Much warmer than in my room. But there was a slight breeze so the hoodie and jeans was a good decision. Then I lit up the swisher with the Zippo and started to chief. Then I put on my Shure cans, plugged it into my phone and scrolled to all of the Kendrick Lamar songs I had. From then on, I started to ponder the meaning of life and all of my troubles. Before long, after a I finished the swisher, sitting on the hard wood made my ass very uncomfortable so I decided to lay down. Facing the sky and watching the clouds made me feel very serene. 

Somewhere along that 1 hour time period, I thought of that clever little rhyme you read at the intro and thought that was a little too clever to pass up so I had to put it on Facebook  twitter, or blogger. Or all 3. (I have an addiction to social media/networks but that is another story for another day. )

And I began to ponder. I didn't want to think about negative thoughts because of the stuff that happened a few days earlier. And then Kendrick Lamar - Determined started to play. The Napoleon Hill intro goes:

"I want to describe my discovery in the simplest terms possible

because it will reveal to you why it is true

that whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve

regardless of how many times you have failed in the past

or how lofty your aims and hopes may be"

I thought holy shit, this really is a motivating song, even from the introduction. I thought to myself, when and where did I go so wrong? Where did my motivations go? When I was little I wanted to be a scientist, or a jet pilot  But everyone has grow up and face reality sometime. And for the past couple of months reality hit hard. Step dad got cancer, blah blah blah the same spiel I've been writing about. The pressures and stress of life can really be suffocating, might I add even deadly. If suicidal thoughts aren't a tell tale sign of this I don't know what is. 

And I thought, I am lucky to have been able to reach my 21st birthday almost 2 weeks ago. I am lucky to be able to live at my parents house right now. 2 stories and a basement. Pretty spacious. But the house isn't mine. I can invite friends over and boast about how this and that but in reality, the house isn't mine. I thought what am I going to do in the future? What suitable careers are there that will let me earn enough to even get a house half as big? Will I ever find a girl I love, eventually get married and have children? Maybe those thoughts are a little too soon to be having since I am still 21. 

And as I lay on the deck watching the clouds slowly go by, I thought, damn how good would it be to be up there right now? Either high as hell or on a private jet, so I can see what the view looks like up there. Lofty dreams. Just like Kendrick Lamar's lyrics "Pull up at the Grammy Awards as best-dressed, with an address next to a beautiful actress". And that's why I respect Kendrick Lamar so much. He has been through a lot  probably tougher situations than I have in life. But he followed his dreams and now he has made it. If you listen carefully to Kendrick's lyrics, he tells very vivid tales of a harsh childhood and all the bull shit he went through.  But none of that stopped him from becoming one of the top rappers today.

So back to the song "Determined". All these ideas I have conceived, did I really believe in them? Can I really achieve them? I mean I've seen failure quite often in my self. And sometimes you tend to forget what your ideas were in the first place.
I guess that answer is self explanatory. Because if I had really believed in the ideas I conceived  according the Napoleon Hill, l might just be able to achieve them one day. Bur first, I really need to get my ideas back.

Summer Time Blues

The long awaited Summer is finally here. You have been hard at work for the past 2 semesters, or 4 quarters. You finally get to go back home and not have to worry about school work and the stress that comes with it. You can finally sleep in all day and relax. The nice weather, the warm wind blowing, when the heat of the sun just seems to warm everything up. The smell of the summer time air and the sounds of summer time bustle and hustle. What a great time of year.

Summer is also the time of opportunity. Some people go on vacations with their families. Some take the opportunity to study abroad  and travel. Others apply for internships or summer jobs or volunteer for something so the experience will look good on on a resume and maybe even earn a little cash on the side. For those people, things are looking pretty bright.

On the other hand, for those whose opportunities don't seem so plentiful,  they are the ones who bum around the entire summer. No directions. No plans. No money. You just sit home all day, in front of the computer or TV. Playing video games, being bored. Wondering what is there to do? I've been there, done that. Your parents threaten to kick you out of the house. If you have just turned 20 or are still in your twenties, your parents have every right to do so. In this society, if you don't work, you don't eat. You can't afford the things you want. You can't go places you want to go. You feel useless, and that your life is just wasting away...

Everyone says if you want opportunities, you have to actively seek them out. But that might be easier said than done. For college students without a major like me, it is very hard to look for internships and jobs. If you really don't know what you want to do with your life, summer time can be the worst time of year. And the fact that I have MD, I'm limited to much fewer options than most of my friends. Can't stand too long without getting tired? Forget about a sales job. Can't lift heavy things? You can forget about restaurant jobs or stocking inventory. Hate talking on the phone? No office jobs. For me, there aren't many realistic options in terms of summer time employment. The economy right now isn't too great. Many paying positions will require something that I cannot do or bear. If you have no connections, or not much work experience, you can forget about people hiring you. So opportunities for me this summer? Things are looking pretty bleak.

But since this is only my third day back from college, there is still some hope. I guess I should start by organizing and updating my very shitty resume. And then looking hard for any opportunities that suits me. This might be hard and an extremely frustrating process. But nothing in the world can be gained without sacrifice of some sort. I just hope I can find some opportunity this summer that will keep me from sitting at home all day. It really drives me nuts. I feel useless and bored. Unmotivated. A big loser. And that why I call it Summer Time Blues. 

But in the mean time, I'll be blogging everyday to keep my self sane. With all the tough shit I've been through so far, this summer might be one of the most critical time  for me in terms of getting my life back on track.

The bumpy road to recovery

Yesterday I did have thoughts about suicide. It was not fun. It was scary and very stupid.  I manage to scare my self pretty badly with those thoughts too. Not to mention it was Mothers Day. I couldn't imagine what would have happened if  I did slash my wrists yesterday. I even held up a pair of sheers and felt along the edge with my thumb. I wondered how sharp it was and could I have slashed my wrists with those? But when people are so deep in despair and darkness, sometimes stupid thoughts like suicide pop in their heads. Like I wrote in yesterday's post,"stress kills".

But after much encouraging words from friends, I thought I should really take a breather and slow down when the stress seems to build up too much. They told me too many people loved me and that if I had died, it would cause great sadness. Especially to my family and  mostly my mom. The post about suicide almost seemed contradictory to my post reflecting on Mother's Day  How could I have thought about taking the one and only life that my mom gave me?

I must say I have been very much so, a misunderstood person. I was born with Becker's Muscular Dystrophy. My first 10 years my parents thought I was lazy and incompetent. There are also pressures that a child faces when he/she faces when they immigrate from another country. When I found out I had MD when I was 11, that only added to the pressures of life. And recently, being done with my second year college and not having a major and always feeling like I live in the shadows of everyone also adds pressure. My step dad getting cancer also caused me mental pains and stress. So I started drinking again and smoking during finals week. That was the most stressful time for me ever. Honestly drinking and smoking did take my mind off of the shit I had to go through temporarily  I wanted to escape reality so bad I actually planned when I was going to buy my next bottles of Corona and packs of Swishers. 

And then came yesterday. When all you life you've had to face hardships, stress, bad news, and other shit, its inevitable that one day, an accumulation of these stresses will blow up in your brain. That episode finally happened to me yesterday, I snapped. For a moment my world came crashing down. I never felt so alone nor so scared. I was confused, frustrated and helpless. Remember my post on the the Lost Sheep? Well that was an allegory for how I've been feeling the past couple of months. 

 But thank the Lord his plans for me didn't entail killing my self yesterday. Only the thought occurred so it might steer me back on track to embracing life and depending on God. I guess I really do need to start going to Church  praying and reading the Bible. So now I'm on this bumpy road called recovery. I still have many feelings that I keep to my self, but the most important ones that I need to get rid of, I will post in this blog. Right now, I am very unmotivated. I guess after having an episode like that , it is scary thinking back that I thought about taking my own life. I am still disturbed by my own thoughts from yesterday. I don't even want to think about my future plans or anything like that at the moment. 

I am still in a fragile state of mind right now. Its like the a glass statue that has been shattered and glued back together. You can't put too much pressure on it for the fear that it might break again. I just don't ever want to slide back into that state of despair. It is a horrifying place to be in. Suicide is cowardly and selfish but in that moment, the idea seems like a very enticing option. In retrospect, I could not believe I actually contemplated suicide. It scared me very badly and I cried. I have not cried so hard in so long. It was utter despair.

So now I'm on the bumpy road to recovery, and it will be long and hard. It might even cause me more frustration. And how could I contemplate suicide one day and be on the road to recovery the next? I guess I'm wired for the "bonce back". The harder I fall, the higher I bounce back. Life really is a roller coaster ride and I guess I'm strapped onto the front seat. There are ups and downs. I reached the lowest point ever yesterday. And the ride is slowly crawling back up.... I just hope I wont have to dip as low as I did again yesterday.

Suicidal Thoughts

Never thought the day would come where I would take a 5 minute look at my wrists and think, what if i just cut them bitches? What if i took a bottle of sleeping pills and downed it? They say suicide is the way out for cowards. But if you have never fell so low into the well of despair, you never know how it really feels.
I've had these thoughts before but they were never that serious. I was honestly thinking about pulling out that kitchen knife and slashing my wrists. But I didn't. Maybe next time I feel like this I just might. 

Recently, I've been going through a very difficult time. I don't even think I can control my emotions anymore. They can swing from one end of the spectrum to another in literally an hour. I can't recall a day where everything just went smoothly and stayed that way. I've started drinking again and smoking. They say stress can kill and now I see why.

The news that my step dad got cancer back in February almost broke my will. I skipped classes for a good 2 weeks. I lost motivation so I skipped at least one class a week from then on. I have troubles falling asleep at night. It usually takes me 30-45 minutes to fall asleep. But it seems like hours. Who would have thought that such news would affect me that way? People say that's not a good excuse for poor academic performance and my mom tells me I should work even harder because of that. But due to various other factors, I have been in a slump. I did most of my assignments, but attendance was the main issue.

I also finished my second year of college recently. Yet I still have no major , no plans for the future because I'm just uncertain. Sometimes I feel like in forever living in the shadows of everyone else. I have friends in business major, biology , engineering and so on. All I can think of is a communications major, which comparatively might be regarded highly inferior. Where did my motivation go? Why can't I be like them? Well honestly speaking we were all born different. Going to ht high school didn't mean shit. 

Frankly speaking, I knew I was going to have troubles in the future during high school. I was diagnosed with Becker's Muscular Dystrophy at the age of 11. I played just like all the other kids. But things started changing a couple of year later. More frequent visits to the hospital. I had to see cardiologists, dietitians,  neurologists... etc, I needed to get annual checkups, EKG scans, bone density tests, blood tests, and all that other mumbo jumbo. The wait times in the lobby were enough to drive people mad. That took up much of my childhood and teenage years. In a sense, the lobby of hospitals was my play ground. But there were no children my age to interact with. I just sat there and waited and waited til it was my turn. When you are young,  you are carefree and do not think about how medical conditions will affect you. But the nature of MD is degenerative, and I could tell eventually, I felt my condition was impacting me. 

Before my diagnosis, my parents just thought I was plain lazy. I couldn't run without tripping. I did not like to walk up hill or up stairs. Back in China, we used to have a nanny that would carry me up 9 flights of stairs. Fast forward to high school, P.E. class was a nightmare. Everyone could run laps like it was nothing. Not even 3 minutes in and i would start panting, gasping for air like I would choke. Many people did not understand why and assumed that I was out of shape, fat, and lazy. I also had to take this medicine called Prednisone to combat the symptoms of my Muscular Dystrophy. This made me gain weight and lead to other health problems. I've been taking it for 10 years now. 

So where does all that have to do with my brief suicidal thoughts? Well some of that stuff hits you like a ton of bricks. I thought God was being unfair. Why did I have to suffer all of my pains while everyone else seemed like they were fine? Why did my parents compare me to other people when my grades weren't good? Do they not understand having MD will impact someone psychologically? Was I a bad son? Is God punishing me for something I did? And just recently, I've began to feel useless. No major, no plans for the future. Just a restless soul who lives life one day at a time. Just another loser whose has no luck with the ladies. 21 years old. 21 years single. A 21 year old failure who probably wont have a bright future. At times I felt nobody could relate to me, that I was the only one going through so much bullshit. Some people have tried to encourage me, opened up to me. I really appreciate that but today something just snapped.

My mom woke me up today and said my step dad was angry because I left a mess. Came home yesterday, ate dinner and left the dishes. I left my unpacked bags everywhere in the basement, where my room is. Was it too much to ask for a night where I didn't have to do anything? I wasn't even packed until 12 pm that day at noon. My parents didn't come down to pick me up. Somebody else had to help me. I felt super guilty about that because honestly I didn't know them so well. So I was tired as fuck. Couldn't I have gotten away with just that one night?
And then there is the spat with my mom this morning. That triggered these terrible thoughts. That snapped the remaining twig of calm I had. She reminded me that dad had cancer and is a sick man. So I would have to pick up the slack around the house. She said if I continue to act the way I did they would kick me out of the house. Well I am 21 so they could.

Why such harsh words when I've returned home for less than a day? I have been very understanding of my step dad's situation. In fact everyone's fucking situation in life. I've always lent a helping hand and been as considerate as I could to everyone. But they don't try to understand me. All everyone told me was to man up. Grow some balls. Grow up. Be man. These mother fuckers never took a fucking minute in life to try to understand me and my pains. They didn't even try to be considerate.  I know my step  dad suffers from cancer and his ailments make it extremely painful for him. He's fighting. But are my mental wounds and scars not bad? Are they something people can ignore? I was born with MD, misunderstood and ridiculed in life. No one is born with cancer. They have the potential to get it in their life time and some do some don't. I don't want to sound like an narcissistic, cold, cruel, asshole but I've been battling my condition for years. I don't know if one day I wont be able to walk. My dad has been battling cancer only for a few months. Now my problems aren't nearly as bad as his but he contributed to my problems before he had cancer. He was one of the people that ridiculed me for being lazy. Stupid. A bad son. I'm sure he hated my guts at times. 

And so all that bullshit leads to today. I am already in a fragile and bad state of mind. A few harsh words triggered my suicidal thoughts. I took a good look at my wrist and just thought about ending it, Who would really grieve for me tho? My mom? My step dad? My cousin? People at church? My friends? When you've been fighting for so long and there seems to be no end in sight. When the pressures of your medical conditions and the pressures of school are pressing you day in an day out. When society misjudges you. Feeling so useless because you have no major, no future plans, too big of a loser so you've been single all your life. And you come home to something like this. I'm no pussy I tell you that, but my mind can't take this anymore. Life is unfair and sometimes there is no fighting it. Not everyone in the world will understand you or want to. And then there is the intrigue of death. If I died, I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit. There are more ways to die by household products than one can imagine. And I sat there honestly contemplating which ways would suffice. And then I cried hard cuz I realized I thought about killing my self. Even for a brief 10 minutes.