Lost Sheep is found and Returning to the Pastures

Remember that story about the the lost sheep I wrote a little while back? well lets continue the story shall we?

...So the little sheep cried and cried surrounded by darkness and loneliness and thought there was no way out of the forest. Suddenly, one day, a voice, a very familiar voice spoke to him. "Do not be afraid anymore little one, for I have come to save you". The voice was that of his Shepard. Soon, a very bright light appeared to surround the little sheep and led him slowly out of the dark cave in the forest. The sheep was hesitant at first about following the light but soon, the warmth of the light started to calm the sheep. The sheep has not felt such warmth in so long and was eager to follow where the light guided him. Soon, before the sheep knew how much time had past, he was already out of the dark woods and on a clear path back to the pastures. The sky was bright and clear. The air was warm and the sun never shined any brighter. The Shepard had led the little sheep back into the pastures, back into the flock of other little sheep who had also been once lost. Can I get a Amen?

You can probably tell that the little sheep was me and that the story was an allegory for my struggles this past month. 2 and a half weeks back during finals week, I was lost. I drank every day. I smoked everyday. Honestly God wasn't on my mind one bit. I turned away from him. I had abandoned him. And then that weekend when I got home, I had a little spat with my mom. That was my breaking point. I've been through a really hard time this past semester and that was my breaking point. I wanted to die. I contemplated suicide for a good 5-10 minutes. It was one of the lowest points of my life. But then, a couple days later, I received some very encouraging words from some friends. They told me to turn back to God and the Bible. 

Long story short, I did. My friends convinced me to go to the CCUC college camp and it might have been one of the best decisions I've made in a long time. The time from when I felt like dying to going to camp, it felt like months, when it has actually only been 2 weeks. When I finally got to camp, It was as if God had led me back into the pastures with all the other sheep that had also been hurt before. Honestly I had no expectations for camp. I didn't know what would happen during or after camp. But God's plans are always right. I learned more about his word. I met new brothers and sisters in Christ. I sang and prayed like I never did before.

All during camp, our guest speaker Pastor Robin Koshy preached to us many messages from the Bible and everyone of them, I felt was directed at me and my problems. He preached about Sarah and Unbelief. Rachel and Leah and Envy. Jacob and Self - Sufficiency. Jacob and Esau and Forgiveness.  And last but not least, Joseph and his Dysfunctional family. All of these things were factors that led to me being lost. But God's grace is far greater than the sums of all of my problems.

For far too long I have doubted God. For far too long I was envious of others. I turned to drinking and smoking, and I thought I could handle everything alone. I thought I was self sufficient and didn't need anyone else to help me deal with my problems. I held grudges and was unforgiving. And I always seemed to want to blame my problems on my dysfunctional family. I could have not been more lost. I wrestled with God's grace. He broke me and transformed me. And now I have received the rewards of His grace.

2 Corinthians 12:9 says:

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 And that was the take away from camp. God's Grace is what saves.

When is enough enough: the satisfactions in life(or the lack thereof?)

I am going to start out by stating a little something about my self. I Love Sneakers. I have about 15+ pairs of sneakers and I always want more. This is becoming a bad habit because not only are my sneakers about $160 these days (Jordan's mostly), as soon as I get one pair, I start planing the next pair I hope to purchase some 15 minutes later. So my question is, when is enough truly enough? Can my lust for sneakers ever be satisfied? Can human beings be ever at any point in life truly be satisfied with his or her state of being? Possessions  Relationships?

Lust, Gluttony, Greed, and Envy seems to be the biggest out of the seven deadly sins that contribute to the human mindset that "We never have enough". Some people deal with sexual desires never being able to be satisfied. Some people always want to eat better food. Some people just want more money and material wealth. Some people want better relationships. And some people just can never seem to be satisfied with what they have. They always want what others have. Been there, done that, I am guilty of these sins. People just seem to want more and better. So can this thirst ever be quenched? 

So where is this rant going? Why this subject all of a sudden? Well, I just can't seem to find my purpose in life. This has been going on for years and has not hit me so severely until just recently. I am not satisfied with my answers and what other people have been telling me. I am never satisfied because I am uncertain about my future. I always want to know what will happen, what my destiny is, but I am not fortune teller. I can't find a satisfaction in life and have been fixed on wanting more, wanting better material things. These can only satisfy me for so long. So I am consumed by all of the seven deadly sins. I am a lamb that has walked astray, perhaps tempted by the sweet tales of the Devil. Luring closer and closer to oblivion. He knows my deepest desires and uses them against me. I guess that's why I have been through a hard time as of recent.

Genisis 1:27 states "So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them." However, we know that God is perfect. if we are created in his image, does that mean we also strive for perfection? But being humans we are not perfect and prone to sinning. Do we strive to become like God? Is that why we try so hard to amass everything? Is that why we always want more and better things? More knowledge? Live longer? This argument might not make much sense but here's my take: Compare God to humans. There is a void that can never be filled. God created humans, and we are his creations. We can never be like him. Not in the most minuscule way. We are even less than an ant compared to the vastness of the universe. God cannot be quantified. Even if our satisfactions were to be completely satisfied, we are still no closer to God or being like him.

Yet God still loves us. Despite our thirst for money, women, cars, clothes, wealth. We complain. We cry. We tell God he is being unfair. We always seem to play victim and think our lives can be better. We are never satisfied. And there is an anxiety that never ceases to gnaw at my soul, because I am never satisfied and unsure. It drives me crazy.

Matthew 6:19-21 says

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."

This verse explains perfectly well where our satisfactions will finally be fulfilled. All of our earthly possessions including our bodies will rot one day. But God and Heaven is eternal. If we only seek God to satisfy our thirst, we well never go thirsty. He is a fountain that never ceases to quench thirsts. One drink from that fountain and we'll never thirst again. But at times we forget how that water tastes. The pressures of life on earth can really drive people mad. The Devil is good at what he does and we must not let our guards down. Since we are humans, it is inevitable that we will lower our guards and be tempted at times. I have been led astray and have forgotten how the water tastes. I need to go back to the Lord and need a reminder of how that water tastes. I have been quenched of my thirst but the Devil keeps convincing me I am thirsty for everything except God.

3:45 AM Chiefin and bumpin Kendrick Lamar

3:45 Am I and couldn't sleep.... so i busted a swisher out to chief

laying on the deck with some headphones out, 

bumping me some Kendrick, staring at the early morning clouds 

and I contemplate the meaning of life......

This literally happened an hour ago. Feeling lethargic from the past couple of days, I decided to go to sleep at 10:30 pm. This turned out to be a bad decision as I woke up 5 hours later. It was something between a long nap and a short night's sleep. Since I live in the basement, my room is always cold. So I put on a dark green Nike hoodie, a pair of jeans, grabbed my Zippo lighter, a swisher, my Shure headphones and my phone. Then I quietly opened my back door and went up to the deck from there. 

When I opened the door and stepped out, the air was pretty warm. Much warmer than in my room. But there was a slight breeze so the hoodie and jeans was a good decision. Then I lit up the swisher with the Zippo and started to chief. Then I put on my Shure cans, plugged it into my phone and scrolled to all of the Kendrick Lamar songs I had. From then on, I started to ponder the meaning of life and all of my troubles. Before long, after a I finished the swisher, sitting on the hard wood made my ass very uncomfortable so I decided to lay down. Facing the sky and watching the clouds made me feel very serene. 

Somewhere along that 1 hour time period, I thought of that clever little rhyme you read at the intro and thought that was a little too clever to pass up so I had to put it on Facebook  twitter, or blogger. Or all 3. (I have an addiction to social media/networks but that is another story for another day. )

And I began to ponder. I didn't want to think about negative thoughts because of the stuff that happened a few days earlier. And then Kendrick Lamar - Determined started to play. The Napoleon Hill intro goes:

"I want to describe my discovery in the simplest terms possible

because it will reveal to you why it is true

that whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve

regardless of how many times you have failed in the past

or how lofty your aims and hopes may be"

I thought holy shit, this really is a motivating song, even from the introduction. I thought to myself, when and where did I go so wrong? Where did my motivations go? When I was little I wanted to be a scientist, or a jet pilot  But everyone has grow up and face reality sometime. And for the past couple of months reality hit hard. Step dad got cancer, blah blah blah the same spiel I've been writing about. The pressures and stress of life can really be suffocating, might I add even deadly. If suicidal thoughts aren't a tell tale sign of this I don't know what is. 

And I thought, I am lucky to have been able to reach my 21st birthday almost 2 weeks ago. I am lucky to be able to live at my parents house right now. 2 stories and a basement. Pretty spacious. But the house isn't mine. I can invite friends over and boast about how this and that but in reality, the house isn't mine. I thought what am I going to do in the future? What suitable careers are there that will let me earn enough to even get a house half as big? Will I ever find a girl I love, eventually get married and have children? Maybe those thoughts are a little too soon to be having since I am still 21. 

And as I lay on the deck watching the clouds slowly go by, I thought, damn how good would it be to be up there right now? Either high as hell or on a private jet, so I can see what the view looks like up there. Lofty dreams. Just like Kendrick Lamar's lyrics "Pull up at the Grammy Awards as best-dressed, with an address next to a beautiful actress". And that's why I respect Kendrick Lamar so much. He has been through a lot  probably tougher situations than I have in life. But he followed his dreams and now he has made it. If you listen carefully to Kendrick's lyrics, he tells very vivid tales of a harsh childhood and all the bull shit he went through.  But none of that stopped him from becoming one of the top rappers today.

So back to the song "Determined". All these ideas I have conceived, did I really believe in them? Can I really achieve them? I mean I've seen failure quite often in my self. And sometimes you tend to forget what your ideas were in the first place.
I guess that answer is self explanatory. Because if I had really believed in the ideas I conceived  according the Napoleon Hill, l might just be able to achieve them one day. Bur first, I really need to get my ideas back.

Summer Time Blues

The long awaited Summer is finally here. You have been hard at work for the past 2 semesters, or 4 quarters. You finally get to go back home and not have to worry about school work and the stress that comes with it. You can finally sleep in all day and relax. The nice weather, the warm wind blowing, when the heat of the sun just seems to warm everything up. The smell of the summer time air and the sounds of summer time bustle and hustle. What a great time of year.

Summer is also the time of opportunity. Some people go on vacations with their families. Some take the opportunity to study abroad  and travel. Others apply for internships or summer jobs or volunteer for something so the experience will look good on on a resume and maybe even earn a little cash on the side. For those people, things are looking pretty bright.

On the other hand, for those whose opportunities don't seem so plentiful,  they are the ones who bum around the entire summer. No directions. No plans. No money. You just sit home all day, in front of the computer or TV. Playing video games, being bored. Wondering what is there to do? I've been there, done that. Your parents threaten to kick you out of the house. If you have just turned 20 or are still in your twenties, your parents have every right to do so. In this society, if you don't work, you don't eat. You can't afford the things you want. You can't go places you want to go. You feel useless, and that your life is just wasting away...

Everyone says if you want opportunities, you have to actively seek them out. But that might be easier said than done. For college students without a major like me, it is very hard to look for internships and jobs. If you really don't know what you want to do with your life, summer time can be the worst time of year. And the fact that I have MD, I'm limited to much fewer options than most of my friends. Can't stand too long without getting tired? Forget about a sales job. Can't lift heavy things? You can forget about restaurant jobs or stocking inventory. Hate talking on the phone? No office jobs. For me, there aren't many realistic options in terms of summer time employment. The economy right now isn't too great. Many paying positions will require something that I cannot do or bear. If you have no connections, or not much work experience, you can forget about people hiring you. So opportunities for me this summer? Things are looking pretty bleak.

But since this is only my third day back from college, there is still some hope. I guess I should start by organizing and updating my very shitty resume. And then looking hard for any opportunities that suits me. This might be hard and an extremely frustrating process. But nothing in the world can be gained without sacrifice of some sort. I just hope I can find some opportunity this summer that will keep me from sitting at home all day. It really drives me nuts. I feel useless and bored. Unmotivated. A big loser. And that why I call it Summer Time Blues. 

But in the mean time, I'll be blogging everyday to keep my self sane. With all the tough shit I've been through so far, this summer might be one of the most critical time  for me in terms of getting my life back on track.

The bumpy road to recovery

Yesterday I did have thoughts about suicide. It was not fun. It was scary and very stupid.  I manage to scare my self pretty badly with those thoughts too. Not to mention it was Mothers Day. I couldn't imagine what would have happened if  I did slash my wrists yesterday. I even held up a pair of sheers and felt along the edge with my thumb. I wondered how sharp it was and could I have slashed my wrists with those? But when people are so deep in despair and darkness, sometimes stupid thoughts like suicide pop in their heads. Like I wrote in yesterday's post,"stress kills".

But after much encouraging words from friends, I thought I should really take a breather and slow down when the stress seems to build up too much. They told me too many people loved me and that if I had died, it would cause great sadness. Especially to my family and  mostly my mom. The post about suicide almost seemed contradictory to my post reflecting on Mother's Day  How could I have thought about taking the one and only life that my mom gave me?

I must say I have been very much so, a misunderstood person. I was born with Becker's Muscular Dystrophy. My first 10 years my parents thought I was lazy and incompetent. There are also pressures that a child faces when he/she faces when they immigrate from another country. When I found out I had MD when I was 11, that only added to the pressures of life. And recently, being done with my second year college and not having a major and always feeling like I live in the shadows of everyone also adds pressure. My step dad getting cancer also caused me mental pains and stress. So I started drinking again and smoking during finals week. That was the most stressful time for me ever. Honestly drinking and smoking did take my mind off of the shit I had to go through temporarily  I wanted to escape reality so bad I actually planned when I was going to buy my next bottles of Corona and packs of Swishers. 

And then came yesterday. When all you life you've had to face hardships, stress, bad news, and other shit, its inevitable that one day, an accumulation of these stresses will blow up in your brain. That episode finally happened to me yesterday, I snapped. For a moment my world came crashing down. I never felt so alone nor so scared. I was confused, frustrated and helpless. Remember my post on the the Lost Sheep? Well that was an allegory for how I've been feeling the past couple of months. 

 But thank the Lord his plans for me didn't entail killing my self yesterday. Only the thought occurred so it might steer me back on track to embracing life and depending on God. I guess I really do need to start going to Church  praying and reading the Bible. So now I'm on this bumpy road called recovery. I still have many feelings that I keep to my self, but the most important ones that I need to get rid of, I will post in this blog. Right now, I am very unmotivated. I guess after having an episode like that , it is scary thinking back that I thought about taking my own life. I am still disturbed by my own thoughts from yesterday. I don't even want to think about my future plans or anything like that at the moment. 

I am still in a fragile state of mind right now. Its like the a glass statue that has been shattered and glued back together. You can't put too much pressure on it for the fear that it might break again. I just don't ever want to slide back into that state of despair. It is a horrifying place to be in. Suicide is cowardly and selfish but in that moment, the idea seems like a very enticing option. In retrospect, I could not believe I actually contemplated suicide. It scared me very badly and I cried. I have not cried so hard in so long. It was utter despair.

So now I'm on the bumpy road to recovery, and it will be long and hard. It might even cause me more frustration. And how could I contemplate suicide one day and be on the road to recovery the next? I guess I'm wired for the "bonce back". The harder I fall, the higher I bounce back. Life really is a roller coaster ride and I guess I'm strapped onto the front seat. There are ups and downs. I reached the lowest point ever yesterday. And the ride is slowly crawling back up.... I just hope I wont have to dip as low as I did again yesterday.

Suicidal Thoughts

Never thought the day would come where I would take a 5 minute look at my wrists and think, what if i just cut them bitches? What if i took a bottle of sleeping pills and downed it? They say suicide is the way out for cowards. But if you have never fell so low into the well of despair, you never know how it really feels.
I've had these thoughts before but they were never that serious. I was honestly thinking about pulling out that kitchen knife and slashing my wrists. But I didn't. Maybe next time I feel like this I just might. 

Recently, I've been going through a very difficult time. I don't even think I can control my emotions anymore. They can swing from one end of the spectrum to another in literally an hour. I can't recall a day where everything just went smoothly and stayed that way. I've started drinking again and smoking. They say stress can kill and now I see why.

The news that my step dad got cancer back in February almost broke my will. I skipped classes for a good 2 weeks. I lost motivation so I skipped at least one class a week from then on. I have troubles falling asleep at night. It usually takes me 30-45 minutes to fall asleep. But it seems like hours. Who would have thought that such news would affect me that way? People say that's not a good excuse for poor academic performance and my mom tells me I should work even harder because of that. But due to various other factors, I have been in a slump. I did most of my assignments, but attendance was the main issue.

I also finished my second year of college recently. Yet I still have no major , no plans for the future because I'm just uncertain. Sometimes I feel like in forever living in the shadows of everyone else. I have friends in business major, biology , engineering and so on. All I can think of is a communications major, which comparatively might be regarded highly inferior. Where did my motivation go? Why can't I be like them? Well honestly speaking we were all born different. Going to ht high school didn't mean shit. 

Frankly speaking, I knew I was going to have troubles in the future during high school. I was diagnosed with Becker's Muscular Dystrophy at the age of 11. I played just like all the other kids. But things started changing a couple of year later. More frequent visits to the hospital. I had to see cardiologists, dietitians,  neurologists... etc, I needed to get annual checkups, EKG scans, bone density tests, blood tests, and all that other mumbo jumbo. The wait times in the lobby were enough to drive people mad. That took up much of my childhood and teenage years. In a sense, the lobby of hospitals was my play ground. But there were no children my age to interact with. I just sat there and waited and waited til it was my turn. When you are young,  you are carefree and do not think about how medical conditions will affect you. But the nature of MD is degenerative, and I could tell eventually, I felt my condition was impacting me. 

Before my diagnosis, my parents just thought I was plain lazy. I couldn't run without tripping. I did not like to walk up hill or up stairs. Back in China, we used to have a nanny that would carry me up 9 flights of stairs. Fast forward to high school, P.E. class was a nightmare. Everyone could run laps like it was nothing. Not even 3 minutes in and i would start panting, gasping for air like I would choke. Many people did not understand why and assumed that I was out of shape, fat, and lazy. I also had to take this medicine called Prednisone to combat the symptoms of my Muscular Dystrophy. This made me gain weight and lead to other health problems. I've been taking it for 10 years now. 

So where does all that have to do with my brief suicidal thoughts? Well some of that stuff hits you like a ton of bricks. I thought God was being unfair. Why did I have to suffer all of my pains while everyone else seemed like they were fine? Why did my parents compare me to other people when my grades weren't good? Do they not understand having MD will impact someone psychologically? Was I a bad son? Is God punishing me for something I did? And just recently, I've began to feel useless. No major, no plans for the future. Just a restless soul who lives life one day at a time. Just another loser whose has no luck with the ladies. 21 years old. 21 years single. A 21 year old failure who probably wont have a bright future. At times I felt nobody could relate to me, that I was the only one going through so much bullshit. Some people have tried to encourage me, opened up to me. I really appreciate that but today something just snapped.

My mom woke me up today and said my step dad was angry because I left a mess. Came home yesterday, ate dinner and left the dishes. I left my unpacked bags everywhere in the basement, where my room is. Was it too much to ask for a night where I didn't have to do anything? I wasn't even packed until 12 pm that day at noon. My parents didn't come down to pick me up. Somebody else had to help me. I felt super guilty about that because honestly I didn't know them so well. So I was tired as fuck. Couldn't I have gotten away with just that one night?
And then there is the spat with my mom this morning. That triggered these terrible thoughts. That snapped the remaining twig of calm I had. She reminded me that dad had cancer and is a sick man. So I would have to pick up the slack around the house. She said if I continue to act the way I did they would kick me out of the house. Well I am 21 so they could.

Why such harsh words when I've returned home for less than a day? I have been very understanding of my step dad's situation. In fact everyone's fucking situation in life. I've always lent a helping hand and been as considerate as I could to everyone. But they don't try to understand me. All everyone told me was to man up. Grow some balls. Grow up. Be man. These mother fuckers never took a fucking minute in life to try to understand me and my pains. They didn't even try to be considerate.  I know my step  dad suffers from cancer and his ailments make it extremely painful for him. He's fighting. But are my mental wounds and scars not bad? Are they something people can ignore? I was born with MD, misunderstood and ridiculed in life. No one is born with cancer. They have the potential to get it in their life time and some do some don't. I don't want to sound like an narcissistic, cold, cruel, asshole but I've been battling my condition for years. I don't know if one day I wont be able to walk. My dad has been battling cancer only for a few months. Now my problems aren't nearly as bad as his but he contributed to my problems before he had cancer. He was one of the people that ridiculed me for being lazy. Stupid. A bad son. I'm sure he hated my guts at times. 

And so all that bullshit leads to today. I am already in a fragile and bad state of mind. A few harsh words triggered my suicidal thoughts. I took a good look at my wrist and just thought about ending it, Who would really grieve for me tho? My mom? My step dad? My cousin? People at church? My friends? When you've been fighting for so long and there seems to be no end in sight. When the pressures of your medical conditions and the pressures of school are pressing you day in an day out. When society misjudges you. Feeling so useless because you have no major, no future plans, too big of a loser so you've been single all your life. And you come home to something like this. I'm no pussy I tell you that, but my mind can't take this anymore. Life is unfair and sometimes there is no fighting it. Not everyone in the world will understand you or want to. And then there is the intrigue of death. If I died, I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit. There are more ways to die by household products than one can imagine. And I sat there honestly contemplating which ways would suffice. And then I cried hard cuz I realized I thought about killing my self. Even for a brief 10 minutes. 

Mothers Day: A personal reflection

Mother's Day. We all take this day to give thanks to our moms. Cuz nobody loves you more in the world than one's mom. Those kind words. The warm hugs and kisses. The one that rushes to your side when you are sick. The one who tells you everything will be all right when you are hurt or scared  The person that cooks that delicious home meal the way that you like it best. As they say mom knows best. And on this day, some of us might give our mom's presents, cards, or even take them out to dinner. sounds pretty standard to me.

When I was younger, I used to write or draw a mothers day card for my mom every year. And she would keep them somewhere. I would usually draw flowers and write something along the lines of "YOU'RE THE BEST MOM IN THE WORLD". However, as I grew older, I think about Mothers Day less and less. Maybe its because I've seen this day 21 times too much. or perhaps I am a little more distant from my mom than I used to be. Don't get me wrong, Its not that I don't love my mom or do not appreciate her, I just think as I got older, my perspective on mothers day have shifted. I mean do we really need to shower our moms with cards, gifts, or take them out for breakfast/lunch/dinner to show our appreciation for our moms? Do all their life's hard work amount to only one special day out of the year in which we dedicate our entire day to them? Or do our moms mean more that that? Shit everyday should be Mother's Day.

Mothers make the world go around. Without mothers, there can be no future generations. Without my mom I wouldn't even exist. Without my mom I could not have grown  from a baby that she could hold in her arms into a 5'9" 180 pound yellow and restless soul who is constantly struggling with keeping thoughts to himself. My mom and I had plenty of arguments and fights. My step dad rarely tried to keep my ass in check when I got too wild and belligerent. My mom did most of the disciplining in our house hold. She whooped my ass when I acted up, and had very harsh words. But at other times, she was loving and caring, she bought me stuff I wanted, cooked a hearty meal when I was hungry and comforted me when I was feeling down.

Through all the good and bad, my mom will be the one and only. I do not think another woman in life can replace the role she plays in my life. Shit, NO other woman in life can replace my mom. I might not write her a letter or draw her a card this time. But that does not make me a bad son. Because the appreciation I have for her is much deeper than ink on paper, or the cheesy poems I find on the internet, or a gift, or a meal. The appreciation I have for my mom is even deeper than the vastness of space. I could live 1000 lifetimes and still never be able to pay my mom back for what she has done for me.

My mom gave me life, and will love me for who I am unconditionally. She is a dear lady who holds a special place in my heart. And that I can never forget. So I'll wake up in the morning, give my mom a hug and tell her "Happy Mother's Day!" Because I can show my love and appreciation for my mom without the help of a card.

The Lost Sheep

I feel just like the proverbial sheep who strayed too far from the flock. Strayed too far into the dark forest full of blood thirsty wolves, and I can hear their snarls. They can smell my fear and surround me. I find refuge in a big cave with tainted grass and water under some fallen logs. From a distance, something about the forest was just so damn alluring that I could not resist walking into. Now, all I can do is cry out, "Shepard, where art thou? Please take me back home...." Only I still don't hear a response.... and damn let me tell you this forest is dark. The wolves say: "Come with us, we wont hurt you!" Wolves that wont attack sheep? What planet do we live on?

So what possessed the little sheep to wander so far from the flock? Who planted this seed known as curiosity into the sheep's head? What was so alluring about the dark forest? Did the Sheep even know there were wolves in the forest? We can ask the sheep all of these questions but the sheep can't reply. The sheep is just as confused as the audience. But this sheep could not stand the flock either. They were normal sheep and this one had something slightly off about him. He strutted to a different rhythm, liked to graze in a pasture with different tasting grass, and liked to drink spring water. This sheep also had trust issues and was a little self confident. What a conceited little sheep. No wonder he got lost and is crying for help. Yet no answers from the Shepard. 

And could it also be that the Shepherd did not build and adequate fence?  Maybe it should have been taller, with barbed wire and electrified. Maybe he should have had herding dogs too. Maybe the Shepard should have put down another sheep as a warning to those who wander off too far. But the Shepard is too kind. He is loving and caring by nature and could not stand to see one of his precious sheep hurt or dead. But the Shepard will have to put down a sheep if it becomes terminally ill, or if it becomes rabid. There is no saving those sheep. 

So what will this lost sheep do to save himself from the wolves in the dark forest? Will he lose his sanity and become one of them? But that's not really possible for a sheep to turn into meat eating carnivore. All he has known in life is eating grass and he has flat teeth, no sharp teeth like that of an wolf. The wolves howl at night and the little sheep is having a hard time falling asleep. Not only does he have to worry about the wolves trying to eat him alive, tempting him with their lies, he cant even rest properly. How many more sleepless nights will the sheep have to endure? How many more dark days of eating the tainted grass  and drinking tainted waters in the forest? So every day the sheep cries to the Shepard. What a relief it would be if the Shepard came through the forest strapped with a SPAS-12 shot gun with bandoliers. But until then, the sheep is still crying....

Back to blogger

After a very long hiatus from blogger, I've decided it is time to come back. Every rage fueled thought goes straight to Facebook and I get the hint that that is a very bad idea. On blogger, not many people will see my blogs, but one day,  I hope people will come to my blogger page and see what I have posted. It wont be anything special but it will be a better outlet for those more personal feelings and thoughts.

I am going to say this again. I am not a wannabe. I do not try to act black, hood, gangsta or ghetto. I started listening to hip hop at my most crucial developmental days. That is during preadolescence. and tell me the influences of society do not permeate into your brain at that time.....