The bumpy road to recovery

Yesterday I did have thoughts about suicide. It was not fun. It was scary and very stupid.  I manage to scare my self pretty badly with those thoughts too. Not to mention it was Mothers Day. I couldn't imagine what would have happened if  I did slash my wrists yesterday. I even held up a pair of sheers and felt along the edge with my thumb. I wondered how sharp it was and could I have slashed my wrists with those? But when people are so deep in despair and darkness, sometimes stupid thoughts like suicide pop in their heads. Like I wrote in yesterday's post,"stress kills".

But after much encouraging words from friends, I thought I should really take a breather and slow down when the stress seems to build up too much. They told me too many people loved me and that if I had died, it would cause great sadness. Especially to my family and  mostly my mom. The post about suicide almost seemed contradictory to my post reflecting on Mother's Day  How could I have thought about taking the one and only life that my mom gave me?

I must say I have been very much so, a misunderstood person. I was born with Becker's Muscular Dystrophy. My first 10 years my parents thought I was lazy and incompetent. There are also pressures that a child faces when he/she faces when they immigrate from another country. When I found out I had MD when I was 11, that only added to the pressures of life. And recently, being done with my second year college and not having a major and always feeling like I live in the shadows of everyone also adds pressure. My step dad getting cancer also caused me mental pains and stress. So I started drinking again and smoking during finals week. That was the most stressful time for me ever. Honestly drinking and smoking did take my mind off of the shit I had to go through temporarily  I wanted to escape reality so bad I actually planned when I was going to buy my next bottles of Corona and packs of Swishers. 

And then came yesterday. When all you life you've had to face hardships, stress, bad news, and other shit, its inevitable that one day, an accumulation of these stresses will blow up in your brain. That episode finally happened to me yesterday, I snapped. For a moment my world came crashing down. I never felt so alone nor so scared. I was confused, frustrated and helpless. Remember my post on the the Lost Sheep? Well that was an allegory for how I've been feeling the past couple of months. 

 But thank the Lord his plans for me didn't entail killing my self yesterday. Only the thought occurred so it might steer me back on track to embracing life and depending on God. I guess I really do need to start going to Church  praying and reading the Bible. So now I'm on this bumpy road called recovery. I still have many feelings that I keep to my self, but the most important ones that I need to get rid of, I will post in this blog. Right now, I am very unmotivated. I guess after having an episode like that , it is scary thinking back that I thought about taking my own life. I am still disturbed by my own thoughts from yesterday. I don't even want to think about my future plans or anything like that at the moment. 

I am still in a fragile state of mind right now. Its like the a glass statue that has been shattered and glued back together. You can't put too much pressure on it for the fear that it might break again. I just don't ever want to slide back into that state of despair. It is a horrifying place to be in. Suicide is cowardly and selfish but in that moment, the idea seems like a very enticing option. In retrospect, I could not believe I actually contemplated suicide. It scared me very badly and I cried. I have not cried so hard in so long. It was utter despair.

So now I'm on the bumpy road to recovery, and it will be long and hard. It might even cause me more frustration. And how could I contemplate suicide one day and be on the road to recovery the next? I guess I'm wired for the "bonce back". The harder I fall, the higher I bounce back. Life really is a roller coaster ride and I guess I'm strapped onto the front seat. There are ups and downs. I reached the lowest point ever yesterday. And the ride is slowly crawling back up.... I just hope I wont have to dip as low as I did again yesterday.