A Week Since Her Passing.

I still can't believe Mimi passed away a week ago. Where did time go? I'm scared that the times and experiences I've had with her will become distant memories. Then again what human experience does not become a distant memory? We mourned all of last week and attended her funeral last weekend. Some of us are still mourning but its not as obvious. It is slowly fading. We are returning to our normal schedules and daily routines. For people that have not been as close to Mimi as some of my friends were, they have a easier time adjusting back to what they were doing before. But for those of us who were touched and deeply affect by who Mimi was as a person, our perspectives on life have been altered forever. But even so we begin to move on. As blunt as brutal as it sounds. As much as I don't like stating the truth. This might sound idiotic,  but tomorrow, I will get a tattoo in her honor. It will be a piano with the words "RIP Dear Friend" on it. It will be drawn on my left forearm. My parents would probably flip, but eventually think nothing of it. It is against my religion to get anything tattoos as Leviticus 19: 28 states "Ye shall not make any cuttings in your flesh for the dead, nor print any marks upon you: I am the LORD." But Im sure God already knew I was going to get one. HE probably will forgive me for this one.

Being scared of forgetting the memories of a deceased friend is very real. We have pictures, videos, texts, chats, presents, and the likes to remind us they were once on this earth. But they are no longer with us today. We can no longer convey our feelings towards her. For us religious folks she is probably an Angel in heaven and probably can hear and feel our every thought. Everyone treats their memories in different ways. Getting a tattoo is just my way of never forgetting her life. I went into the parlor very wishy-washy, indecisive and the artists their said you need to know exactly what you want. This stood out to me because this has been my very problem in life. I am not decisive and have suffered a lot because of it .  But it took me no longer than 15 minutes for the idea this time. Its not that I didn't give this a serious thought. I was going to carry a mark on my body forever. This had to be something simple yet symbolic. Something that carries a deep meaning to me. I was convicted this time. It will be a Piano.

As many of us knew, Mimi was avery talented piano player. Her skills took her to many places, she met many people. Her music touched many souls. But above her piano skills showed her dedication. All of her videos. The sounds the Piano made when she played. She commanded the keys with confidence and authority. The beautiful and fluid sounds the piano made when she played. As corny as it sounds it was like "Picasso on the canvas". Her life taught me many things. Things like be decisive. Be dedicated to what you do and be passionate. Be genuine and sincere. Live life to the fullest. Love, laugh, cry. Be strong and caring. Its okay to go party and drink at times. But get your work done. Study hard and play hard as times require.

A role model right in front of my eyes. All these things I was blind to. But now that she's gone, I've realized how much I could have learned from her while she was alive. I want her to know just how much of an impact she's made on my life and the life of others. I miss her very much. And Im sure you guys too. We'll see you on the other side one day, I'll promise you that.

Worst Week of my Life

This is officially one of the worst weeks of my life. I want to tell my self to get over it. Try to move on. But I cannot. My mind keeps drifting back to that Wednesday night when we heard the dreadful news. I am still hurting inside despite all of my posts and encouragement to others. I tried to stay strong and not cry for as long as I could. Maybe that was my problem. My lack of tears and determination to stay strong has prevented me to express my profound sadness over the passing of a long time friend. I shed little tears here and there but I could not burst out sobbing. As a little child I was told men should never cry, no matter what. But in a situation like this, I really had no idea what to do. I couldn't cry when I heard she had passed on. I could not cry when helping her parents clean out her apartment. I could not cry when creating an event page inviting all of her closest friends to attend her Funeral Service. I could not cry when I went to see her body in the casket. I could not cry when I gave my final speech about her life this morning. I was finally able to cry when we went to the cemetery to say our final goodbyes at her burial. My best friend hugged me as I began to wail. Though that lasted only a minute as I took deep breaths to calm my self down. I did not want to make a scene when most everyone was done crying. I remembered everything I wrote this past week and did not want to be a hypocrite.

How would I have looked to everyone and her if they have seen me breakdown so hard? Was it an issue of pride? Did I not want to embarrass myself? In private I have talked to friends and told them it was okay to cry, to let it all out because grieving was a part of the healing process. I've seen them cry and express their pain. So why could I not do it? Did I not want to acknowledge the fact that I was hurting too? I don't know. I am a wreck right now. My feelings go from one extreme to another and I am just exhausted. Yesterday I kept my self occupied all day. Picked up friends and went the the funeral home 3 times. Not once did I cry. I tried to take my mind off things. Tried to keep a positive front in front of all of my friends. But when I am alone, I am filled with darkness. Regret. Sadness. Pain. Anguish. I feel alone and I keep wondering what she must have thought in her last moment. She was alone. Unlike a terminally ill patient who would be surrounded by family and friends til their last moments, she passed alone. Its it fair that we comfort each other when she went through all that pain and passed alone into the next world? I want someone to hold on to me so I could just be vulnerable and let go and be told things will be okay. But I felt that would be very unfair to her. I felt guilty to be comforted and consoled. I thought I could handle the pain alone but I couldn't be further off the mark.  So I don't know who to go to or what to do besides writing. I keep writing these stupid blogs. People have reached out to me and offered to consul me but all I could do was say thanks I'm fine. Why can't I be honest? When people ask me if I am doing okay I say I am. But my mind and soul are not. They hate me for lying to my self. They hate me fro trying to be strong when I am actually a weak person. They hate me for being a hypocrite, because I consul others and forget how much problems I have myself.

I think that writing will make me feel better because I am pouring my heart into it and everyone can understand or relate. But I sill find it insufficient to express my grief and sadness. I don't know when I'll ever find closure and peace, but until then, all I can do is write these posts. I just sit there with the sound of a mechanical keyboard clacking to keep me busy. To keep me from breaking down.

I just kept thinking how sad it was. How rotten of a person I am. How could I wait til the day of her funeral to give her a flower? I've liked her for so long though that was on and off. It was unrequited but I still loved her. Never gave her anything all of these years I've known her. Not during her Birthday, Christmas, Valentines day. But today, all I gave her was a flower when she was about to be buried. I cant understand why God had to take her away. She did nothing to deserve this. It makes me wonder how a petty and a sinful person like me still stands and she had to go. I feel like I am being punished for something I did. Is God trying to use this tragedy to teach me a lesson? I'll never know. But one thing I have learned is that life is fragile. You never know when its your turn. My turn. I learned to never take anybody for granted. Even if the times you spent is bad or good, you can only realize how precious that time was in retrospect. She was a blessing to me. To us. And most of all to her Family. Now we all have to bear with the fact that she is gone. I regret deeply for having taken her for granted.

I hope I can stop writing about her passing soon. I feel guilty because these posts are about me and my feelings too. I feel that everyone who sees these posts are getting tired of me ranting and going crazy. I hate my self for not being able to keep personal feelings private but at a time like this, Its this or losing my mind.

I hope she is in a better place now, watching over us. I hope I can make her proud. But that I'll never know. And I will ensure I will do everything I can to remember her until it is my turn to go see her on the other side.

RIP Mimi, It was a blessing to have known you for the time I have. You have brought me many joys and have taught me what it means to be a genuine person. A strong person. You listened to me complain to about everything and not once did you complain to me about your problems. You were the greatest friend anyone could ask for. I cant be sorry enough about how I mistreated you and took you for granted. And I will always love you from the bottom of my heart.

Eulogy for Mimi, an Dear Irreplaceable Friend

I don't know where to begin. I am still somewhat in denial even though I have been hit hard with reality. I keep asking myself why? Why her of all people? She was a gift from God to this world, she lived a very meaningful and a full 20 and a half years. She was caring, loving, and a genuine amicable person. With a passion for what she did, not only was she a talented musician, she was also a dedicated member of society, always ready to meet and help people that she came across.

She was born on May, 8th 1993. Though I could not say much about her childhood, but as  close friend, I knew that she was generous, dependable and down to earth. Her brilliant smile could cheer you up. When you had a bad day you could always tell her your worries and she would comfort you. She got along with everyone and never had trouble making friends. She never complained much about anything and was steadfast in her ways. She was the definition of a tough woman. Stubborn at times, yet independent. She had a very bright and promising  future.

I knew her during the first grade. Various circumstances took me to another school and I would not meet her again until 7th grade. I knew her from then until a few days ago, when tragedy struck and it took her away from me again. I knew for almost 10 years. I'll be honest and say those 10 years  really meant a lot to me. Though they weren't always happy times, they were times that I will cherish forever. I try to leave personal feelings out as much as I can but I cannot bear the fact that a friend I've known for so long was just suddenly gone. I can't help but look at her Facebook page and old photos. I couldn't believe she was alive a few days ago. I remember her last interaction with me was liking one of the Instagram photos I posted. Her last text message to me was for me to teach her how to make chicken soup from scratch because she had a very bad cold. 

I really had a crush on her. It was on and off but she was the only girl I've had crush on for so long. I told her my feelings and got rejected. She wanted to stay friends but I couldn't take the hint. I would back off for a while but those feelings never died. I would tell her this many times, yet every time, I was rejected. Eventually I became resentful. I was jealous of all the other guys that she had a close relationship with. Looking back I feel very petty and not very manly at all. I was childish and could not see our relationship for what it was. I took our friendship for granted and I will have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. But now I can never convey my feelings to her again. She will no longer be there to hear my complaints or make jokes about things that we enjoy. We can never again cook together and enjoy our creations. I really did love her, and always will.

On the day of her passing, many of us got an Illini alert saying there was an accident and some roads were closed. Many of us gave no second thought and went on the day like usual. But little did we know the awful turn of events that transpired that day while we were obliviously engrossed in our daily tasks. I even remember talking to another friend and she mentioned someone passed away. I didn't give it much thought except for that hopefully it wasn't someone I knew. After hearing the news later that night,  I was devastated. My roommates and I were quiet for a whole hour. We were at an absolute loss for words.

Parents should never have to bury their children. Later that night, I met up with Mimi's parents and I could tell Mrs. Liu had been crying. Her eyes were swollen red, yet she did not cry at that moment. Mimi's little sister Annie also did not shed tears. Mr. Liu spoke in a calm voice and told us he would let us know of their plans. I thought to myself, "Wow, these are the strongest people I've ever met". They maintained their composure even through such a tragic time. But I could not imagine the pain, anguish, regret and sorrow they must have felt.  For their worst nightmare to become reality. How could their baby girl that they have painstakingly raised, taught, and  sent to school, be taken away from them so suddenly? How will Annie feel now that her sister is gone forever? The tears her family shed would be so immense and filled with sorrow that we would not comprehend until one of our own family members have passed away. 

What I miss the most about Mimi would be her smile. The warmth of her embrace. Her playfulness. Her long flowing hair and the sweetness of her fragrance. The time we spent together. Now that she is gone, it's as if a part of my life just vanished, never to return. It's a void that can never be filled, for she was an irreplaceable friend. Many of us probably have the same feelings. We all regret not being able to say our last goodbyes. But I could not imagine what Mimi had thought in her final moments. All her plans, aspirations, dreams, cut short. She was alone in her last moments and that is the saddest part of all. I hope her passing was instant and painless, as gut wrenching and horrible as it is to say. And I hope she knows that she is still surrounded by many caring and loving friends and her family.

 As the D12 song goes :

They say the good die young,

That's why I think that you should have fun (when you're young)

Cos time won't wait for no one (uh huh)

When god calls, you gotta go home (go home)

They say the good die young, (die young)

That's why I know that we go' have fun,

In this life cos you only get one

When God calls for me, don't cry I just went home

Not only is this a day to mourn, but it is a day to commemorate what Mimi stood for, a day to celebrate her life and her many accomplishments. We need to remember her spirit and what she stood for. We need to carry on her ideals because now she lives through us and our memories of her. And she will stay in our hearts forever. 

Rest in Peace Mimi,

You were known by many, but loved by all.

Mourning the Loss of a Long Time Friend

Today marks one of the worst days of my life. I lost a long time friend. I knew this girl since second grade. Then I transferred to another school and wouldn't meet her again til 5 years later. I don't even think she remembered that time but that's inconsequential. Counting all the years I knew her, first grade, and then 7-12th grade, and then 3 years in college, I would say that's about a little 9 years. Flash forward today. I got an Illini alert this morning at around 11 AM. Lincoln Ave in Urbana between Nevada and Pennsylvania were closed due to an accident investigation. At first I thought this text meant nothing, nothing to do with me, just another minor accident. I could not be more wrong. I went through the day like normal. Until I got home. I was just relaxing and playing GTA V until one roommate of mine got a phone call. At first I couldn't tell if he was laughing or crying as he kept saying what in a surprised voice. Later he came down and stammered in a panic that "Mimi died in an car accident today".  I couldn't believe my ears at first. I thought this was a sick joke or a nightmare. I would punch my self, wake up and everything would be fine. But that dreaded feeling crept up on me and every second felt like eternity. I got a drink and something to smoke. It dawned on me that he was telling the truth but my head would not connect the dots. Maybe its a defense mechanism against very shocking news, i was in denial.  Drinking didn't help, smoking didn't help. I was trying to shield myself from such horrible news.

Later we drove to some friends house as we heard there was a meeting. Then we were told those friends went to the victim's apartment and that her parents where there. We went up to meet them and they told us even they didn't not have all the details and would have to contact a funeral home that was close to us back in Chicago for further arrangements.

Mimi was stuck by a pick up truck. The driver had no insurance and was said to have succumbed to diabetic shock when the incident happened. The coroner wont release details until 24 hours after the incident so we are still left in the dark as to what exactly happened to her.

 Leaving the grotesqueness of this accident, after hearing of her passing earlier tonight, all of her friends including me took to social media to mourn her passing. But no matter how many pictures we post, she is gone. She will never return. Every friend she had had different memories of her and with her. Yet we cannot fathom the loss, the pain, the regret her family feels. I saw Mimi's family today. Her mother's eyes were red from crying but when we saw her, she was a strong woman. She did not cry. Her dad did not cry. Her little sister did not cry. But behind those strong facades, I knew exactly how they must have felt. Mimi's parents must have lost sleep, and shed sweat and tears to raise her. Mimi was only 20 and a half years old and God took Mimi away from her parents. From us. Parents should never have to bury their children. As a Christian, I don't even know what to believe. I think this is extremely unfair to her parents and us as her friends. She was a young woman in her college days, learning more about the world and she probably had a very bright future ahead of her. Yet it was cut short by a careless and reckless driver.

I loved Mimi, I really did. I confessed to her many time throughout high school and once during college. But that was a love unrequited. She told me there were better girls out there for me and wanted to stay just friends. I understood. But time and time again, of all the girls I had a crush on, I came back to her numerous times and numerous times I was rejected. I became resentful at times, and jealous. But I realized we could never be anything more than friends. Now I cannot apologize enough for the times I hurt her, said mean things or put her in an awkward position. As they say You never know the true value of someone or something til their gone. I miss our friend ship. I took her for granted, I miss the times we had together, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad. I miss her smile, playfulness, jokes, and our conversation. Not to sound like a creep but I also miss her long flowing hair, the sweet smell of her fragrance. The warmth of her embrace. I'm still in such shock that I cannot cry. Because I also cannot fathom how a wonderful person like her had to have her life taken away.

Just the other day she Snapchatted me and sent me a picture of her medicine and a bag of halls. She said she was sick and i was concerned so I told her get well soon. Today I went to visit her room and saw the exact meds that she sent me pictures of . Only now Mimi isn't there to joke about those things and she is no longer with us. As a Christian, I am having very conflicting thoughts. Why GOD? Why would you take away an innocent young woman with so much potential? I don't even think prayer can answer my questions but I am going to pray for her family. They need as much support as they can get. More than we can ever give, so much more than we ever need.

#RIP Mimi, I loved you and always will. I hope you are in a better place now and will watch over us. Just so you know, this isn't a goodbye, its a see you later.

And as John 14:1-4 says : “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. And you know the way to where I am going.”

As for now, time seemed to have stopped. I am still in denial.  But one thing I do know for sure. Tell your close friends and family you love them. Hug them. Be genuine. And never take anything for granted. Cuz you never know what you have lost til its gone.