Worst Week of my Life

This is officially one of the worst weeks of my life. I want to tell my self to get over it. Try to move on. But I cannot. My mind keeps drifting back to that Wednesday night when we heard the dreadful news. I am still hurting inside despite all of my posts and encouragement to others. I tried to stay strong and not cry for as long as I could. Maybe that was my problem. My lack of tears and determination to stay strong has prevented me to express my profound sadness over the passing of a long time friend. I shed little tears here and there but I could not burst out sobbing. As a little child I was told men should never cry, no matter what. But in a situation like this, I really had no idea what to do. I couldn't cry when I heard she had passed on. I could not cry when helping her parents clean out her apartment. I could not cry when creating an event page inviting all of her closest friends to attend her Funeral Service. I could not cry when I went to see her body in the casket. I could not cry when I gave my final speech about her life this morning. I was finally able to cry when we went to the cemetery to say our final goodbyes at her burial. My best friend hugged me as I began to wail. Though that lasted only a minute as I took deep breaths to calm my self down. I did not want to make a scene when most everyone was done crying. I remembered everything I wrote this past week and did not want to be a hypocrite.

How would I have looked to everyone and her if they have seen me breakdown so hard? Was it an issue of pride? Did I not want to embarrass myself? In private I have talked to friends and told them it was okay to cry, to let it all out because grieving was a part of the healing process. I've seen them cry and express their pain. So why could I not do it? Did I not want to acknowledge the fact that I was hurting too? I don't know. I am a wreck right now. My feelings go from one extreme to another and I am just exhausted. Yesterday I kept my self occupied all day. Picked up friends and went the the funeral home 3 times. Not once did I cry. I tried to take my mind off things. Tried to keep a positive front in front of all of my friends. But when I am alone, I am filled with darkness. Regret. Sadness. Pain. Anguish. I feel alone and I keep wondering what she must have thought in her last moment. She was alone. Unlike a terminally ill patient who would be surrounded by family and friends til their last moments, she passed alone. Its it fair that we comfort each other when she went through all that pain and passed alone into the next world? I want someone to hold on to me so I could just be vulnerable and let go and be told things will be okay. But I felt that would be very unfair to her. I felt guilty to be comforted and consoled. I thought I could handle the pain alone but I couldn't be further off the mark.  So I don't know who to go to or what to do besides writing. I keep writing these stupid blogs. People have reached out to me and offered to consul me but all I could do was say thanks I'm fine. Why can't I be honest? When people ask me if I am doing okay I say I am. But my mind and soul are not. They hate me for lying to my self. They hate me fro trying to be strong when I am actually a weak person. They hate me for being a hypocrite, because I consul others and forget how much problems I have myself.

I think that writing will make me feel better because I am pouring my heart into it and everyone can understand or relate. But I sill find it insufficient to express my grief and sadness. I don't know when I'll ever find closure and peace, but until then, all I can do is write these posts. I just sit there with the sound of a mechanical keyboard clacking to keep me busy. To keep me from breaking down.

I just kept thinking how sad it was. How rotten of a person I am. How could I wait til the day of her funeral to give her a flower? I've liked her for so long though that was on and off. It was unrequited but I still loved her. Never gave her anything all of these years I've known her. Not during her Birthday, Christmas, Valentines day. But today, all I gave her was a flower when she was about to be buried. I cant understand why God had to take her away. She did nothing to deserve this. It makes me wonder how a petty and a sinful person like me still stands and she had to go. I feel like I am being punished for something I did. Is God trying to use this tragedy to teach me a lesson? I'll never know. But one thing I have learned is that life is fragile. You never know when its your turn. My turn. I learned to never take anybody for granted. Even if the times you spent is bad or good, you can only realize how precious that time was in retrospect. She was a blessing to me. To us. And most of all to her Family. Now we all have to bear with the fact that she is gone. I regret deeply for having taken her for granted.

I hope I can stop writing about her passing soon. I feel guilty because these posts are about me and my feelings too. I feel that everyone who sees these posts are getting tired of me ranting and going crazy. I hate my self for not being able to keep personal feelings private but at a time like this, Its this or losing my mind.

I hope she is in a better place now, watching over us. I hope I can make her proud. But that I'll never know. And I will ensure I will do everything I can to remember her until it is my turn to go see her on the other side.

RIP Mimi, It was a blessing to have known you for the time I have. You have brought me many joys and have taught me what it means to be a genuine person. A strong person. You listened to me complain to about everything and not once did you complain to me about your problems. You were the greatest friend anyone could ask for. I cant be sorry enough about how I mistreated you and took you for granted. And I will always love you from the bottom of my heart.