April 8th, 2015
Exactly a year ago today, my step dad passed away. His students knew him as Mr. Luo, and his coworkers and friends knew him as Mike. He taught Mandarin Chinese and Algebra 1 at Whitney M. Young Magnet High school. He battled late stage stomach cancer valiantly for 14 months but finally succumbed to it. He passed away very peacefully surround by his friends, and my mom. Our Pastor came by and prayed with him one last time before his soul left his body. It was a very sad moment that I did not get to witness but at least my step dad is in a better place now. 12 months after he passed, I still remember some of the details, while others are a bit hazy.
I still remember it like it was yesterday when I received that fateful phone call on April 8th2014. I was still asleep when my phone rang. My mom called and tried very hard not to break down. I could hear her voice wavering. She told me my step dad had passed at 8:48 am in the morning at the Rush Bowman Center and asked me to purchase a bus ticket as soon as possible to go back home. Somehow in the back of my mind I knew this day was coming. I could sense it. Watching my step dad’s condition deteriorate over 14 months was unbearable. It was pure hell for our family. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to my step dad. Even to this day I still don’t know how to feel about it. Have I grieved? I supposed I did. For the longest time I could not sleep at night. My mind would always drift and the worst possible scenario would permeate into my mind. 6 months prior I lost a close friend in a traffic accident and then the news of my step dad’s passing broke me spiritually. Eventually, I would stop being a Christian which I announced sometime last month but I digress. No amount of praying I did brought upon a miracle which I wanted to happen. My step dad might have shown a little bit of recovery sometime within those 14 months but never the less, the cancer got the best of him. Those 14 months of watching everything go to shit is something I wouldn’t even wish on my worst enemy. In a sense, I am relieved that the nightmare has finally ended, though the ending wasn’t exactly the happiest of endings.
I wrote a eulogy when he passed. A year later, I don’t think there is much I can recap of his funeral and passing but I certain have a lot left to say. I’ll start by telling you a bit about my childhood. My mom and my biological father got a divorce when I was very young. I don’t even remember how old I was at the time but I’ve never seen them together. My biological father was always away for work. He only ever came back to see me maybe once every other week. He would take me out for fast food or buy me toys but in retrospect, money can never buy love. He was no father figure to me. The trivial time he spent with me was at a stage where I could barely remember things in life. He imparted no substantial knowledge as a father. He also did many terrible things to my mom and I resented him for that. He was perhaps a terrible father figure. My mom never liked talking about him much.
When I met my step dad, he was like one of those older men who was good with children in a sense. Like an uncle that all the nieces and nephews loved. He played with me and my cousin and we all looked up to him. He in a sense was the ideal father figure to me at the time. However, in time my mom had to explain to me she was married to him and that he was my step dad. Then everything changed. The moment he became my step dad, the seeds were sown. Our relationship would deteriorate and he would come to almost despise me. I was a bad child and he having had no actual parenting experience, maybe didn’t exactly know how to handle me.
Up til this point, I lived in China, and I immigrated to the United States at 7 and a half. From 7 and a half to 22, I could only recall the bad moments I’ve encountered with my step dad. See, losing 2 people close to you within 6 months can really change a person. I’ve become cynical and I’ve lost a lot of my ability to recall good things that’s happened in my life. Maybe my step dad did really try to look out for me in his own ways and wanted me to grow up to be a decent man, but the manner in which he went about it and the way he and my mom tried to raise me didn’t work out as intended. Asian parents use negative reinforcement most of the time and that didn’t match with my personality. Whatever they tried would end up antagonistic in my eyes and being a rebellious kid, I always wanted the last word. I did pretty bad things to spite my parents when they made me angry. I really had a horrible temper as a child. I was always alone as a child and really didn’t have many friends my first few years in America. I felt my parents hated me for some reason. I felt that they didn’t try to understand me and always tried to impose their selfish ways on me. My parents also said pretty horrible things to me as a child due to their “negative reinforcement” and I’ll admit I actually hated my parents. I never understood how parents could actually tell their own child some of the horrible things they said. I held grudges for a long time and I actually didn’t really forgive them until my step dad was on his death bed. He begged me to forgive him, for all the horrible things he’s said to me when I was young and for mistreating my mom. As petty as a person I was, I was reluctant to forgive him. I am a pretty horrible person, hell I might just actually be a bad person at the core. After all the years of dealing with being cussed out by the worst type of things a parent could say to a child, all he needed to do was ask for forgiveness. But he didn’t until he knew it was too late. Just when our relationship was being patched up, his life ended. I thought this was the most unfair thing in the world.
Looking back my biological father was not a good father figure. My step dad was too antagonistic to be considered a good father figure either. He also left my mom and me for a few years to work back in China. That absence made him even more antagonistic to me. It was like I had no father figure at all. That period of time was very rough for me. A situation like that could not be good for any teenager. I used to get into fights with my mom all the time. I was a loose cannon at home. It was not a happy home. There wasn’t a week where I didn’t cry because shit would upset me so much I didn’t know how to deal with it. After those few years, my step dad came back but things didn’t get much better. Eventually my cousin would also come to live with us. Now my step dad had to deal with 2 kids that weren’t his own. I’m sure any step parent who didn’t have their own children would feel offended in some type of way. My step dad really didn’t like my cousin and me for a period of time because we were just so damn rebellious. But all that is history.
Up til this point, I lived in China, and I immigrated to the United States at 7 and a half. From 7 and a half to 22, I could only recall the bad moments I’ve encountered with my step dad. See, losing 2 people close to you within 6 months can really change a person. I’ve become cynical and I’ve lost a lot of my ability to recall good things that’s happened in my life. Maybe my step dad did really try to look out for me in his own ways and wanted me to grow up to be a decent man, but the manner in which he went about it and the way he and my mom tried to raise me didn’t work out as intended. Asian parents use negative reinforcement most of the time and that didn’t match with my personality. Whatever they tried would end up antagonistic in my eyes and being a rebellious kid, I always wanted the last word. I did pretty bad things to spite my parents when they made me angry. I really had a horrible temper as a child. I was always alone as a child and really didn’t have many friends my first few years in America. I felt my parents hated me for some reason. I felt that they didn’t try to understand me and always tried to impose their selfish ways on me. My parents also said pretty horrible things to me as a child due to their “negative reinforcement” and I’ll admit I actually hated my parents. I never understood how parents could actually tell their own child some of the horrible things they said. I held grudges for a long time and I actually didn’t really forgive them until my step dad was on his death bed. He begged me to forgive him, for all the horrible things he’s said to me when I was young and for mistreating my mom. As petty as a person I was, I was reluctant to forgive him. I am a pretty horrible person, hell I might just actually be a bad person at the core. After all the years of dealing with being cussed out by the worst type of things a parent could say to a child, all he needed to do was ask for forgiveness. But he didn’t until he knew it was too late. Just when our relationship was being patched up, his life ended. I thought this was the most unfair thing in the world.
Looking back my biological father was not a good father figure. My step dad was too antagonistic to be considered a good father figure either. He also left my mom and me for a few years to work back in China. That absence made him even more antagonistic to me. It was like I had no father figure at all. That period of time was very rough for me. A situation like that could not be good for any teenager. I used to get into fights with my mom all the time. I was a loose cannon at home. It was not a happy home. There wasn’t a week where I didn’t cry because shit would upset me so much I didn’t know how to deal with it. After those few years, my step dad came back but things didn’t get much better. Eventually my cousin would also come to live with us. Now my step dad had to deal with 2 kids that weren’t his own. I’m sure any step parent who didn’t have their own children would feel offended in some type of way. My step dad really didn’t like my cousin and me for a period of time because we were just so damn rebellious. But all that is history.
So thinking back, it made me very angry when certain people made stupid comments about my family. Unless you’ve lived a life like mine or had experiences like me, especially regarding a step parent, you should literally STFU. Even my mom didn’t sense that our family was not the average Asian American family. All of the other Church families had a nuclear family consisting of the original mom and dad. No step parents. They always had both parents doing the parenting and educating their children. In my own opinion, I was lacking a dynamic father figure. A dad that would actually spend time with his boys and explain what it really means to be a man. Teaching them things that a real man should learn and master. For instance how to be a respectable person, how to treat a lady. Play sports with his children and not get fed up because this child was born with a genetic defect. The stereotypical shit that fathers do with their sons in movies and what not. I didn’t have that. It was always lacking from my life. With something that important missing from my life how could I not end up being a semi fucked up person?
Now of that is my personal history which I very much would like it if you did not tell other people nor discuss it. They can find out for themselves if they read this post.
Now of that is my personal history which I very much would like it if you did not tell other people nor discuss it. They can find out for themselves if they read this post.
Outside of the house hold however, my step dad was a very nice person. All of his students loved him and his friends always had a fun time around him. Many of my step dad’s students would always visit my dad at home when they found out he was diagnosed with stomach cancer. They were so supportive in fact a few of his close students started a movement call Luostrong to raise money for my dad’s treatment. He was very touched and every time he mentioned his students to his friends, he would tear up. This happened every single time. It was heartwarming actually to see him smiling when his students visited. In a sense my step dad was the ultimate father figure to his students. He not only gave them many chances to fix their mistakes in class like late homework assignments, missed exams, he also would talk to his students as if they were equals. He would also stay late after school to sponsor clubs and even many students that did not have my step dad as a teacher soon came to know and respect him. Even after these harsh 12 months, my family and I are still extremely grateful to the Luostrong movement and everyone involved in it. If it were not for them, we probably would have fared nowhere near as well. Friends were equally important for their contributions during the 14 months in ensuring that my mom could manage taking care of my step dad and especially when my mom decided to take a few months off work. All of the CPS teachers that donated sick days to my mom, and to my step dad, I am very thankful. Even though my step dad passed away, I still can’t believe how many people stood by us. All of the donations, presents, cards, encouragements, and visits. These positive things kept me from falling into depression. All of these people and events shined a bright light when everything was dark. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
I’ve revealed some personal things but I think these are important things to know about me since I write personal shit all the time. This post was a bit longer than my usual ones so thanks for bearing with me. The past 12 months have really changed me a lot. In good and bad ways I guess. Life really is too short to be holding grudges. The passing of my step dad taught me even though one could be dealing with the worst things in life, friends and family are the most important things one can have. I don’t know what I would have done if they didn’t encourage me through messages and texts. The people I probably would have never talked to again actually reached out to me. There were more people whose families had to deal with cancer then I actually knew. I didn’t feel as bad anymore after those people told me their stories and told me I could always talk to them if I needed to. Ultimately, I think the passing of my father was a defining moment in my life. It is one of those things that I will never forget. The regrets of not making amends 100% with my step dad is something I will carry into my grave. We made progress but personally I think I could have done a better job. As a son, I have spectacularly failed my step dad. Some of those expectations I would never be able to meet. There are probably going to be many other defining events in my life where he definitely won’t be able to see. The one actual person whom I wanted to recognize my accomplishments won’t be there to congratulate me. The one person whom I wanted to hear “I’m proud of you my son” will never mutter those words. And sometimes I really wonder what am I trying for? Who am I trying for? But my life is mine. Although hearing those words from my step dad might have been a confidence booster, in the end, I am my own man. As a soon to be 23 year old, I still have lots to learn about life. I have to weather the storm myself and discover what kind of a man I have become and what I can become. Looking back it is sad I took my step dad’s words of wisdom for granted. Even If I wanted to ask now, I know I’ll get no answer.
And now I know I’ll have to pick up the slack at home. My mom is a widow now, something I never would have thought would happen to her. As the only bread winner at home for now, I understand my mother’s pain. She has to finish putting me through school (thank goodness the end is near) and pay the mortgage. She has to go home and cook for herself and my cousins. Sometimes she gets home so tired she has to take a nap. All of the problems at home that she has to take care of. My mom is a tough lady but as I mentioned in some of my earlier posts, the saddest part of my step dad’s passing was probably how much my mother suffered. I could see how my step dad’s passing has taken a big toll on my mom emotionally. My mom probably could have aged a bit slower and better if she wasn’t a widow. But these are the harsh realities of life.
So in the end, I only wish that my step dad would watch over us. Maybe I’ll be worthy of his expectations one day.
So in the end, I only wish that my step dad would watch over us. Maybe I’ll be worthy of his expectations one day.
