Winter Break. Normally people love this time of year, especially college students. They get a couple of weeks of from school, get to spend time with family during the holidays. A time with out stress, the warmth of family and just a jolly good time. Some people travel, others just enjoy being at home. It should be a happy time.
But for me, its anything but. Its a depressing time. Getting out of school for a whole month was a relief but coming back to such a bleak situation at home might be even worse than the stress at school. As many people know, my dad was diagnosed with late stage stomach cancer last February. Next month will mark a year. Looking back its remarkable how many rounds of chemo he got through. He still taught part time at Whitney Young. But when I got back home during break, my mom told me some bad news. My dad had a bile duct blockage and developed jaundice. They couldn't do surgery because most likely, the tumors have spread to that area. They did a bypass so he was okay. But due to that, he couldn't do chemo for 5 weeks. That allowed for the tumor to grow back with a vengeance. The pain also got worse due to that. My dad starting taking morphine for pain. That's a really bad sign. Recently, he complains that he cannot eat, for he has no appetite at all.
Everyday he complains about pain and having no desire to eat. I don't even get to see him often at home because he is always upstairs resting. It is very sad a depressing to see a family member having to go through this "torture". It hurts him the most but it also hurts the rest of the family. My mom is a tough lady so she doesn't cry much but when she does, it hurts me inside too. Recently over the years, I've learned to deal with painful times. I become quiet and answer with "mhmms" and "nods". I don't know what to say. I don't know how to comfort my family. All I can do is pray and pick up chores and lessen the stress on my mom. But I feel even that isn't even enough. I try to be strong and remain emotionless. My dad often times says he doesn't know how much longer he has to live. He tells me I should graduate ASAP and come back to Chicago so my mom won't be alone. He tells me to find a job in Chicago, and after getting married I should still stay close by my mom. He has a point. My mom sacrificed a lot to bring me into this world and sacrificed a lot so I can have a good life in the United States. Nothing I do could repay what my mom has done for me so I don't mind sacrificing anything for her. All of that is fine. But my dad has repeated this countless times over break thus far. We went no where over break. Everyday is the same thing. Most days I can't even eat properly because the atmosphere at home is so stifling I lose my appetite. My sleep schedule is messed up. I can't sleep well most nights so I stay up until 4 or later on the computer doing what ever. And then I sleep during the day cuz I'm so tired. And when it comes to dinner time, the same thing happens. My dad complains of having not appetite or is in pain. And he tells me I'm grown and need to help my mom. And that he doesn't know how much longer he has. He tells us he's undeserving of this family and that he's sorry. And once again, my face turns emotionless. I just nod and answer with a "mhmm". I try to pray every night for my dad and my family but I can't do anything else. I don't even know what to say back.
Sometimes my mom nags my dad and makes him eat but he doesn't have an appetite and sometimes teary eyed, he pushes his bowl away and leaves the dinner table. One time my mom went too far with her kindness and my dad snapped. He said: " I'm already a dying person, do you want me to die even earlier?". All my mom did was make sure my dad got the nutrients he needed. Its evident that my dad's cancer is driving the family insane. At this point we're stuck in a cycle of depression. I try to keep up a cheerful appearance so my family will be distracted temporarily but that only works for so long. If anything, I'm praying a miracle of some sort will occur.
