My dad, or known as Mr. Luo by many, was a great man. Not only was he a teacher, he was a father, a husband, and a friend. His smile could cheer many people up. His students always liked to converse with him as he was very patient. He was one of those teachers that would push you but would also genuinely care about you as a person. He treated everyone as equals and never looked down on anyone. I never had the pleasure of having my dad as a teacher while I was still in high school but from what I have seen over the years, he was almost like a father figure to his students.
Both his mother and father were teachers. He was a great student when he was younger and that turned him into a great teacher. He knew what was effective and had the most clear cut methods to ensure people understood what they have learned. When I was younger, I used to struggle a lot with math. His methods were 9/10 times always more simple to understand than my teachers. He would sit by my side late into the night and helped me understand how to do math. He would lose his patience with me on occasion but I guess I was just hopeless at math. Any other student would surely understand the problems after my dad showed them once. My dad was also very scholarly. Even during his off time, when he wasn't writing lesson plans or preparing for class, he would always read news articles. He studied vocabulary thoroughly. I used to remember scrap paper full of vocabulary words, dictionaries full of book marks, under lines and place holders. He was very versed in Chinese Classic Poetry and the likes. Though he was a simple man, he was a romantic. There aren't many people like him left in the world. Sometimes, I feel like my family and I were robbed. He was taken from us, but if God wills it, there is nothing we can do.
As a father, he tried his hardest. Raising me and my cousin was very hard for him but he tried his best nonetheless. My Dad and I aren't related by blood. In reality, he is my step dad. In his position, I guess he really got the short end of the stick. He never had any children of his own yet he had to raise such ungrateful kids like me and my cousin. Upon reflection, I really regret my actions when I was younger. But as they say, hindsight is 20/20. In retrospect, he was a very lenient parent. His only wish for me was for me to get good grades and become successful. Being the person that I am, I let him and my mom down over and over again. I think they started losing hope in me and lowered their standards.
Before my dad was diagnosed with cancer, we weren't very close. We had lots of disagreements and fights at home. We had very different and conflicting views. But after his diagnosis, something in him changed. We started getting closer. 14 months ago, he would have never said out loud he loved me. Just this past winter break, and spring break, he told me he loved me everyday I was home. I thought this felt a bit awkward because I have never seen him like this before. And he encouraged me to have fun sometimes and said life wasn't just about studying. That I should experience many things at my age and not be close minded. I started talking to him a little more. I didn't feel so pressured by him anymore. I thought, my dad is actually a very cool guy. To his students, he was a funny little man but the best teacher and friend in the world. He was super intelligent and wise and good at sports. (One bonus fact: he had a 6 pack before he got sick. Yes, he was 47 and still ripped.)
But now, I regret every moment that I could have spent with him but didn't. His will to me was for me to graduate, get a girlfriend, get a job, get married, have children and all that. He told me these things every time I saw him. But just as we were patching up our damaged relationship, he left. His departure has left me and my family devastated. He can no longer attend my graduation. He can't give me dating tips. He cannot attend my wedding, nor will he be able to have a drink with me when I find a Job. His dreams of becoming a grandfather were also cut short. I feel miserable as a human being. I was self centered, selfish, naive and stupid. And I feel like I deserve to live with regret for the rest of my life. The one person I sought approval from, I will never be able to make him proud. His passing should have left me shattered as a person but somehow, I guess his spirit is watching over me, he is giving me the courage to go on.
Now that he is gone, things will get very rough for my family. My mom is now a widow. I never imagine this would ever happen to my mom. She needs more comfort and support than ever. I feel really bad because I have one more year at UIUC and I have no idea if I can even graduate on time. Can you imagine living at home, alone in a big empty house? I mean that's a very sad life to live. I thank God everyday for my cousin because he is the only one who now lives with my mom. He is and has to be a "replacement" son. He has to support my mom while I am gone for most of the year and the guilt I feel is crushing. Seeing my mom crying and in pain hurts me more than the most intense physical pain I've felt. I love my mom very much. I promised my dad that I would stay in Chicago and take care of my mom. I would be by her side even when I get married. I promised to even move back in (well, my dad said he would give the house to me as long as I can pay the mortgage.) I can't believe my mom is a single mom now. She alone has to put me thorough college. She has to pay bills. Pay my rent. Worry about my health and safety. Take care of my cousin and worry about him too. All of these things are too much for one person to take on. Everyday I'm not home, I'm very sacred my mom might over work herself. That she might be too stressed out. I pray to God every day that He will protect my mom. If anything should happen to my mom, I don't know what I'd do.
From this ordeal, I've learned much. From my dad and his legacy. From the kindness of others. The faithfulness of God. I used to be super naive and childish but the passing of my dad forces me to change. It forced me to grow up and change my outlook on life. No longer can I be the carefree and blissful person I once was. I now have responsibilities that only I can fulfill. I have a mother to worry about and care for. I must now share the burden that my mom carries by herself. But I don't complain and I won't complain. For the person that gave me life, there is nothing I won't do for her. For the man that raised me, I will try my hardest to fulfill his expectations.
Before my dad was diagnosed with cancer, we weren't very close. We had lots of disagreements and fights at home. We had very different and conflicting views. But after his diagnosis, something in him changed. We started getting closer. 14 months ago, he would have never said out loud he loved me. Just this past winter break, and spring break, he told me he loved me everyday I was home. I thought this felt a bit awkward because I have never seen him like this before. And he encouraged me to have fun sometimes and said life wasn't just about studying. That I should experience many things at my age and not be close minded. I started talking to him a little more. I didn't feel so pressured by him anymore. I thought, my dad is actually a very cool guy. To his students, he was a funny little man but the best teacher and friend in the world. He was super intelligent and wise and good at sports. (One bonus fact: he had a 6 pack before he got sick. Yes, he was 47 and still ripped.)
But now, I regret every moment that I could have spent with him but didn't. His will to me was for me to graduate, get a girlfriend, get a job, get married, have children and all that. He told me these things every time I saw him. But just as we were patching up our damaged relationship, he left. His departure has left me and my family devastated. He can no longer attend my graduation. He can't give me dating tips. He cannot attend my wedding, nor will he be able to have a drink with me when I find a Job. His dreams of becoming a grandfather were also cut short. I feel miserable as a human being. I was self centered, selfish, naive and stupid. And I feel like I deserve to live with regret for the rest of my life. The one person I sought approval from, I will never be able to make him proud. His passing should have left me shattered as a person but somehow, I guess his spirit is watching over me, he is giving me the courage to go on.
Now that he is gone, things will get very rough for my family. My mom is now a widow. I never imagine this would ever happen to my mom. She needs more comfort and support than ever. I feel really bad because I have one more year at UIUC and I have no idea if I can even graduate on time. Can you imagine living at home, alone in a big empty house? I mean that's a very sad life to live. I thank God everyday for my cousin because he is the only one who now lives with my mom. He is and has to be a "replacement" son. He has to support my mom while I am gone for most of the year and the guilt I feel is crushing. Seeing my mom crying and in pain hurts me more than the most intense physical pain I've felt. I love my mom very much. I promised my dad that I would stay in Chicago and take care of my mom. I would be by her side even when I get married. I promised to even move back in (well, my dad said he would give the house to me as long as I can pay the mortgage.) I can't believe my mom is a single mom now. She alone has to put me thorough college. She has to pay bills. Pay my rent. Worry about my health and safety. Take care of my cousin and worry about him too. All of these things are too much for one person to take on. Everyday I'm not home, I'm very sacred my mom might over work herself. That she might be too stressed out. I pray to God every day that He will protect my mom. If anything should happen to my mom, I don't know what I'd do.
From this ordeal, I've learned much. From my dad and his legacy. From the kindness of others. The faithfulness of God. I used to be super naive and childish but the passing of my dad forces me to change. It forced me to grow up and change my outlook on life. No longer can I be the carefree and blissful person I once was. I now have responsibilities that only I can fulfill. I have a mother to worry about and care for. I must now share the burden that my mom carries by herself. But I don't complain and I won't complain. For the person that gave me life, there is nothing I won't do for her. For the man that raised me, I will try my hardest to fulfill his expectations.
I used to think that no one understood my situation. I used to think I had to go through my father's death alone. Boy was I wrong. The #Luostrong movement proved me wrong. Many friends who have had similar experienced reached out to me. I was proved wrong once again. God has really blessed me with many great friends. The aunts and uncles in church. My friends. My dad's students and their parents. His coworkers. Almost everyone has reached out to me and supported me and my family in one way or another. For that I am forever in their debt. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel. My dad also felt the same way. Every time people from church would visit, he would tell them how his students cheered him on and supported him. He was moved to tears. My family and I are eternally grateful.
There is also one thing I want to clear up. I did not shed tears during my dad's visitation not because I was not grieving, but I wanted to be strong for my mother an others around me. I still feel very broken inside. Now 2 people that were close to me have passed away in the span of 6 months. Its too much for anyone to handle. But I promised myself during Mimi's funeral that I would never cry again. I would become a shoulder for people to lean on in times like these. I would be the one to pass the tissue box and make sure everyone is okay. I have learned to place other people first like my dad did.
There is also one thing I want to clear up. I did not shed tears during my dad's visitation not because I was not grieving, but I wanted to be strong for my mother an others around me. I still feel very broken inside. Now 2 people that were close to me have passed away in the span of 6 months. Its too much for anyone to handle. But I promised myself during Mimi's funeral that I would never cry again. I would become a shoulder for people to lean on in times like these. I would be the one to pass the tissue box and make sure everyone is okay. I have learned to place other people first like my dad did.
To conclude, It will take time for our hearts to heal. For my mother, perhaps much longer. From this day onward, I declare to myself that I will protect my mom and my family. I will make my mom and dad proud. I will fulfill my dad's will no matter what I face. I will no longer shed any tears. My dad was a valiant fighter in times of adversity and I too shall adopt a similar attitude. I will learn to be a better person, and I would be content If I became half the man my dad was.
And to you as the reader, whether you know me or not personally is inconsequential. If you have read this, I ask you this: please pray for me and my family as we struggle through such tough times. IF you know me and my family personally, please support my mom and visit her whenever possible. I cannot be with her all the time and this will continue for another year. So please do me the favor and check up on her. And as for me, please pray for mental stability. There are many instances where I feel overwhelmed and on the verge of losing it.
Thanks again for your love and support. This is probably getting redundant but I would like to personally hug each and everyone that came to support me and my family. Your kindness is what gives us the strength, courage, and peace of mind to carry on another day. You guys are truly a blessing from God.
Thanks again for your love and support. This is probably getting redundant but I would like to personally hug each and everyone that came to support me and my family. Your kindness is what gives us the strength, courage, and peace of mind to carry on another day. You guys are truly a blessing from God.
-Kesan Li
4/12/2014
4/12/2014
Oh and PS. IF you have read this in its entirety, do me a favor and tell your family you love them. Don't ever take family for granted.
