Never thought the day would come where I would take a 5 minute look at my wrists and think, what if i just cut them bitches? What if i took a bottle of sleeping pills and downed it? They say suicide is the way out for cowards. But if you have never fell so low into the well of despair, you never know how it really feels.
I've had these thoughts before but they were never that serious. I was honestly thinking about pulling out that kitchen knife and slashing my wrists. But I didn't. Maybe next time I feel like this I just might.
Recently, I've been going through a very difficult time. I don't even think I can control my emotions anymore. They can swing from one end of the spectrum to another in literally an hour. I can't recall a day where everything just went smoothly and stayed that way. I've started drinking again and smoking. They say stress can kill and now I see why.
The news that my step dad got cancer back in February almost broke my will. I skipped classes for a good 2 weeks. I lost motivation so I skipped at least one class a week from then on. I have troubles falling asleep at night. It usually takes me 30-45 minutes to fall asleep. But it seems like hours. Who would have thought that such news would affect me that way? People say that's not a good excuse for poor academic performance and my mom tells me I should work even harder because of that. But due to various other factors, I have been in a slump. I did most of my assignments, but attendance was the main issue.
I also finished my second year of college recently. Yet I still have no major , no plans for the future because I'm just uncertain. Sometimes I feel like in forever living in the shadows of everyone else. I have friends in business major, biology , engineering and so on. All I can think of is a communications major, which comparatively might be regarded highly inferior. Where did my motivation go? Why can't I be like them? Well honestly speaking we were all born different. Going to ht high school didn't mean shit.
Frankly speaking, I knew I was going to have troubles in the future during high school. I was diagnosed with Becker's Muscular Dystrophy at the age of 11. I played just like all the other kids. But things started changing a couple of year later. More frequent visits to the hospital. I had to see cardiologists, dietitians, neurologists... etc, I needed to get annual checkups, EKG scans, bone density tests, blood tests, and all that other mumbo jumbo. The wait times in the lobby were enough to drive people mad. That took up much of my childhood and teenage years. In a sense, the lobby of hospitals was my play ground. But there were no children my age to interact with. I just sat there and waited and waited til it was my turn. When you are young, you are carefree and do not think about how medical conditions will affect you. But the nature of MD is degenerative, and I could tell eventually, I felt my condition was impacting me.
Before my diagnosis, my parents just thought I was plain lazy. I couldn't run without tripping. I did not like to walk up hill or up stairs. Back in China, we used to have a nanny that would carry me up 9 flights of stairs. Fast forward to high school, P.E. class was a nightmare. Everyone could run laps like it was nothing. Not even 3 minutes in and i would start panting, gasping for air like I would choke. Many people did not understand why and assumed that I was out of shape, fat, and lazy. I also had to take this medicine called Prednisone to combat the symptoms of my Muscular Dystrophy. This made me gain weight and lead to other health problems. I've been taking it for 10 years now.
So where does all that have to do with my brief suicidal thoughts? Well some of that stuff hits you like a ton of bricks. I thought God was being unfair. Why did I have to suffer all of my pains while everyone else seemed like they were fine? Why did my parents compare me to other people when my grades weren't good? Do they not understand having MD will impact someone psychologically? Was I a bad son? Is God punishing me for something I did? And just recently, I've began to feel useless. No major, no plans for the future. Just a restless soul who lives life one day at a time. Just another loser whose has no luck with the ladies. 21 years old. 21 years single. A 21 year old failure who probably wont have a bright future. At times I felt nobody could relate to me, that I was the only one going through so much bullshit. Some people have tried to encourage me, opened up to me. I really appreciate that but today something just snapped.
My mom woke me up today and said my step dad was angry because I left a mess. Came home yesterday, ate dinner and left the dishes. I left my unpacked bags everywhere in the basement, where my room is. Was it too much to ask for a night where I didn't have to do anything? I wasn't even packed until 12 pm that day at noon. My parents didn't come down to pick me up. Somebody else had to help me. I felt super guilty about that because honestly I didn't know them so well. So I was tired as fuck. Couldn't I have gotten away with just that one night?
And then there is the spat with my mom this morning. That triggered these terrible thoughts. That snapped the remaining twig of calm I had. She reminded me that dad had cancer and is a sick man. So I would have to pick up the slack around the house. She said if I continue to act the way I did they would kick me out of the house. Well I am 21 so they could.
Why such harsh words when I've returned home for less than a day? I have been very understanding of my step dad's situation. In fact everyone's fucking situation in life. I've always lent a helping hand and been as considerate as I could to everyone. But they don't try to understand me. All everyone told me was to man up. Grow some balls. Grow up. Be man. These mother fuckers never took a fucking minute in life to try to understand me and my pains. They didn't even try to be considerate. I know my step dad suffers from cancer and his ailments make it extremely painful for him. He's fighting. But are my mental wounds and scars not bad? Are they something people can ignore? I was born with MD, misunderstood and ridiculed in life. No one is born with cancer. They have the potential to get it in their life time and some do some don't. I don't want to sound like an narcissistic, cold, cruel, asshole but I've been battling my condition for years. I don't know if one day I wont be able to walk. My dad has been battling cancer only for a few months. Now my problems aren't nearly as bad as his but he contributed to my problems before he had cancer. He was one of the people that ridiculed me for being lazy. Stupid. A bad son. I'm sure he hated my guts at times.
And so all that bullshit leads to today. I am already in a fragile and bad state of mind. A few harsh words triggered my suicidal thoughts. I took a good look at my wrist and just thought about ending it, Who would really grieve for me tho? My mom? My step dad? My cousin? People at church? My friends? When you've been fighting for so long and there seems to be no end in sight. When the pressures of your medical conditions and the pressures of school are pressing you day in an day out. When society misjudges you. Feeling so useless because you have no major, no future plans, too big of a loser so you've been single all your life. And you come home to something like this. I'm no pussy I tell you that, but my mind can't take this anymore. Life is unfair and sometimes there is no fighting it. Not everyone in the world will understand you or want to. And then there is the intrigue of death. If I died, I wouldn't have to deal with this bullshit. There are more ways to die by household products than one can imagine. And I sat there honestly contemplating which ways would suffice. And then I cried hard cuz I realized I thought about killing my self. Even for a brief 10 minutes.
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