3:45 AM Chiefin and bumpin Kendrick Lamar

3:45 Am I and couldn't sleep.... so i busted a swisher out to chief

laying on the deck with some headphones out, 

bumping me some Kendrick, staring at the early morning clouds 

and I contemplate the meaning of life......

This literally happened an hour ago. Feeling lethargic from the past couple of days, I decided to go to sleep at 10:30 pm. This turned out to be a bad decision as I woke up 5 hours later. It was something between a long nap and a short night's sleep. Since I live in the basement, my room is always cold. So I put on a dark green Nike hoodie, a pair of jeans, grabbed my Zippo lighter, a swisher, my Shure headphones and my phone. Then I quietly opened my back door and went up to the deck from there. 

When I opened the door and stepped out, the air was pretty warm. Much warmer than in my room. But there was a slight breeze so the hoodie and jeans was a good decision. Then I lit up the swisher with the Zippo and started to chief. Then I put on my Shure cans, plugged it into my phone and scrolled to all of the Kendrick Lamar songs I had. From then on, I started to ponder the meaning of life and all of my troubles. Before long, after a I finished the swisher, sitting on the hard wood made my ass very uncomfortable so I decided to lay down. Facing the sky and watching the clouds made me feel very serene. 

Somewhere along that 1 hour time period, I thought of that clever little rhyme you read at the intro and thought that was a little too clever to pass up so I had to put it on Facebook  twitter, or blogger. Or all 3. (I have an addiction to social media/networks but that is another story for another day. )

And I began to ponder. I didn't want to think about negative thoughts because of the stuff that happened a few days earlier. And then Kendrick Lamar - Determined started to play. The Napoleon Hill intro goes:

"I want to describe my discovery in the simplest terms possible

because it will reveal to you why it is true

that whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve

regardless of how many times you have failed in the past

or how lofty your aims and hopes may be"

I thought holy shit, this really is a motivating song, even from the introduction. I thought to myself, when and where did I go so wrong? Where did my motivations go? When I was little I wanted to be a scientist, or a jet pilot  But everyone has grow up and face reality sometime. And for the past couple of months reality hit hard. Step dad got cancer, blah blah blah the same spiel I've been writing about. The pressures and stress of life can really be suffocating, might I add even deadly. If suicidal thoughts aren't a tell tale sign of this I don't know what is. 

And I thought, I am lucky to have been able to reach my 21st birthday almost 2 weeks ago. I am lucky to be able to live at my parents house right now. 2 stories and a basement. Pretty spacious. But the house isn't mine. I can invite friends over and boast about how this and that but in reality, the house isn't mine. I thought what am I going to do in the future? What suitable careers are there that will let me earn enough to even get a house half as big? Will I ever find a girl I love, eventually get married and have children? Maybe those thoughts are a little too soon to be having since I am still 21. 

And as I lay on the deck watching the clouds slowly go by, I thought, damn how good would it be to be up there right now? Either high as hell or on a private jet, so I can see what the view looks like up there. Lofty dreams. Just like Kendrick Lamar's lyrics "Pull up at the Grammy Awards as best-dressed, with an address next to a beautiful actress". And that's why I respect Kendrick Lamar so much. He has been through a lot  probably tougher situations than I have in life. But he followed his dreams and now he has made it. If you listen carefully to Kendrick's lyrics, he tells very vivid tales of a harsh childhood and all the bull shit he went through.  But none of that stopped him from becoming one of the top rappers today.

So back to the song "Determined". All these ideas I have conceived, did I really believe in them? Can I really achieve them? I mean I've seen failure quite often in my self. And sometimes you tend to forget what your ideas were in the first place.
I guess that answer is self explanatory. Because if I had really believed in the ideas I conceived  according the Napoleon Hill, l might just be able to achieve them one day. Bur first, I really need to get my ideas back.