It is almost the end of 2013. I thought it would be a good idea to go over the events that have happened in my life, and to get a perspective on it. How do you even start in a post like this? I guess I could start by listing some of the things that have happened. In 2013, I found out my dad had cancer. Late stage that is. I also found out that my uncle almost died. He had cardiac arrest and his heart stopped beating for an hour. How they revived him, i'll never know. I also turned 21. I lost a long time friend due to an tragic car accident. I got my first tattoo in honor of her. I got off of academic probation. I tried a ghost pepper. I almost wanted to end it all during the summer. I got a part time tutoring job over the summer dealing with second graders. I volunteered at a CPS bridge program with some of the most terrible 8th graders I've ever met. But they were a funny bunch. I got an iPhone and a Mac book which I never dreamed of because I never imagined I would have 2 major products from a brand I used to not like.
When I try to recall what happened in all of 2013, memories flood my mind like a tidal wave. There is an profound mix of emotions hard to separate. To be honest, I almost titled this piece "The Most Shitty Year of My Life. Before summer, I was heading down a very wrong path. I drank almost everyday, and smoked every other day. Life sucked. I got off of academic probation which was a good thing but just as I thought things were looking better, I found out my dad had late stage stomach cancer. And I found out my uncle almost died but somehow they managed to revive him after his heart stopped beating for an whole hour. The period before summer was just miserable. I had no goal in my life, I stopped going to church, and I was just alone all the time, in my own world of misery. I thought no one understood me and hated the world. A college student with no direction, I felt useless. I had no major declared and was just trying to get by. Things got so bad after the spring semester, I almost wanted to kill my self. I mean can you imagine how it felt to find out your dad has cancer, and late stage? WTF? Late stage? I was dumbfounded. I was at a loss for words when my mom called. He felt discomfort the summer earlier is his lower backside for months. He went to get checked out at a clinic and the stupid doctor said it was nothing. and half a year later, it was cancer. My whole world came crashing down. To add to that, my mom called me again a few weeks later saying that my uncle was in the ER. She said he had cardiac arrest and they were still trying to revive him. I was once again speechless. I kept wondering why bad stuff kept happening to my family. The pressures of school and my parents didn't help. By the end of the semester I was overwhelmed. My parents didn't even bother to try and come to pick me up. They asked someone else to take me home. I resented them for that. They had no idea how much darkness was in my heart. I hated the world. One more thing and might just lose it. And then it happened. My mom yelled at me the first weekend back home because I didn't do dishes. I was so tired from school and just wanted 1 weekend to relax. I guess that was too much to ask for. That argument lead to somewhere else. That triggered a button that was never supposed to be touched. It activated "despair". I felt so overwhelmed with sadness I grabbed a pair of garden shears and put it against my left wrist. I recall the cold metal on my skin and thought to my self what if I just pulled it across my wrist?
How much blood would I see> Would I even feel it? What is it like to die from blood loss? Would my parents even care? Heck, I wouldn't care if they grieved. They wronged me. But then God stepped in. I suddenly felt fear. I could not bring my self to pull the blade of the shears across my wrist. And I guess at that moment, It was like the spirit of God guided my hand and told me to put the shears down. A week after that I started going to CCUC. I told some of my close friends what happened and they prayed for me. After that, I was on the path to healing. As dumb and as petty as my motives for contemplating suicide were, my mental just became that unstable during that point. It was not a good place to be in. It was dark and grim and I felt lost.
Going back to church helped a lot. There were people who had been through similar situations as me so they understood my pain. Talking about it really helped me in opening my eyes. I was not alone! I felt better knowing that I was not the only one going through tough times. I felt like I was a part of the family. They were very nice and welcoming towards me. Maybe it was because I already knew some people there. Who knows. A few weeks later, I got a touring job, helping little second graders with summer homework and what not. Now I knew how my mom must have felt teaching little kids. These kids were insane. Well maybe not that extreme. But they were certainly loud and very rambunctious. They drove me nuts every 2 days of the week I was there. Concurrently, the days I did not work, I went to my mom's school to volunteer. It was a CPS bridge program so there were kids there for summer school, specifically kids that did not pass. These 8th graders were rude, foul mouthed, and very uncultured. Most of their back grounds were from low income areas and many were in gangs. In 8th grade! It's crazy I know. They were pretty bright but they did not want to try at all when it came to academics. They were also a very funny bunch because they never ceased to crack me up. But they were also a handful to deal with most of the time. By the end of the program, my mom said I cold have a iPhone for all my hard work and not bumming around at home all summer. And I was pretty satisfied with that. Summer was eventful and I could not complain. I just didn't like the beginning part. Things started looking up again. The week before I started the Fall 2013 semester, I had finally declared a major. Communications. Though I still don't know what direction I'm going with it, I must say, it is another milestone in my life. I felt somewhat accomplished. From there I thought things could only get better.
Now fast forward to October of this semester. Everything was going alright. And then one day, the unthinkable happened. I came home one time, very tired from class and wanted to relax, so I started playing GTA V. I was having fun and as you know in GTA games, wild driving, laughing about running over people and just shooting randomly at pedestrians. Its violent and everything else. But then one of my housemates got a call and he went upstairs. He kept saying "what?" like 15 times in succession. My friend and my other housemates didn't know what was happening. Then the friend on the phone came down stairs a little later, teary eyed and stammered "Mimi died in the car accident today". I slowly paused my game and put down the controller. We didn't know if he was kidding, or if it was sick joke, but then we knew he would never joke about something like that. We were dumb founded. No one spoke for an hour. We made our way to the friend's apartment as she wanted to call a meeting to discuss what happened. We got to her apartment and she wasn't there. Her roommates told us she went to Mimi's apartment and her parents were there. So we went there, and then my housemate Jon and I proceeded upstairs to Mimi's apartment. We saw her family there. Mom, dad, and her little sister. Her mom was teary eyed and we could tell she had been crying because her eyes were puffy and red. We talked for a bit and they said they would be back during the weekend to sort things out. We went home that night confused. It felt so surreal. It felt like a bad nightmare that would go away the next morning. I looked at all the news reports within the local area but found no confirmation of her name. There was one more victim who survived and her name was released but no Mimi. At least not yet. I couldn't believe it. Later that night, her name appeared in the news. I was shocked, I didn't want to believe it but it was the truth. I thought, If I don't see the body, I will refuse to believe this shitty news. That weekend was her funeral. I couldn't cry either because I was too busy trying to comfort everyone else. I saw her body resting peacefully in the casket at the funeral home but it kind of didn't look like her. I guess I I was still in denial. The burial ceremony was the hardest part. As they prepared to lower the casket into the ground, it was heart wrenching to see Mimi's dad pound his fist on the casket and burst out sobbing. It was just so painful.No parent should have to bury their child. She was only 20 years old, and her future was cut short by an idiot of an person. During the funeral, I finally was able to cry for few seconds. I held it in for as long as I could but I too needed a release. Good thing my best friend wast there. He hugged me as I cried for a good 20 seconds but I did not want to let anyone see me cry so I wiped my tears as fast as I could. People asked me if I was okay, but I lied and said yes. But I was not. I couldn't grasp that fact that a girl I knew for almost 10 years just suddenly passed away. It was surreal and still feels so. It was terrible. nobody in their early 20 should have to attend a funeral. It messed me and all of my friends up. We never expected her to go. But if God wills it, I guess we all must go. Two weeks later, I got a tattoo in her honor. It was a piano with the words RIP Dear Friend written on it. Mimi was a great pianist and I wanted the tattoo (my first ever) to carry a symbolic meaning. It was painful but no where near the pain her parents must have felt. Ever since then things have been mediocre at best.
And today marks the end of the Fall 2013 semester. I am finally home. I still don't know what my final grades are but I'm not too worried. I thought its such a relief to be home. My mom told me to go say hi to my dad because he hasn't been doing to well. She told me he had to take morphine because he has had intense pains as of recent. She told me the doctor put him on the third type of drug and once this drug loses its effect, it means the end is near. She also told me he couldn't eat for days and has very intense bowel movements. I didn't know how to respond. So I went upstairs to see how my dad was doing. He looked very skinny. I doubt he weighed above 110 lbs. He said he was tired and ready to sleep. So i went down stairs. I almost cried. It was so painful and saddening to see my dad in that situation. I can't stop thinking about the worse case scenario. I am a pretty pessimistic so it was very hard to get my hopes up. I just pray God will let a miracle happen as childish as it seems. My cousin told me my mom has been very stressed so he picked up dish washing. I promised him I would cook more too over break. I want to do everything in my power to make sure my mom does not become over stressed. I want to make sure my dad never has another thing to worry about besides living his life to the fullest. I don't know how much time he has left but I do pray they will be good times. Thinking back, though he is my step dad in actuality, he has sacrificed a lot for this family. I feel very stupid and ungrateful. I feel like a worthless son. Why haven't I tried to fix our relationship? Why was I such a bad child when I was younger? Now that he is in that state, I feel like its almost too late to fix our relationship. We never talked much. I thought he was never proud of me. But in retrospect all he wished in life was for me to be successful and exceed his expectations. Because of his cancer, I don't even know if he can live to see me graduate. I'm just praying that God will save his soul and body, and if possible, cure him of this sickness.
2013 has been very rough in general. But I feel that living on this earth, everyday is a blessing from God. I learned to never take anyone for granted. You never know what you have til it's gone. There is much truth in that. And if you have the time to fix a relationship, by all means try your hardest to. I learned to appreciate my parents as they have sacrificed much of their lives in ensuring that I will have a good future.
As Psalm 23:3-4 says:
He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
And through those dark times, The Lord has been there with me, guiding me every step of the way.
And today marks the end of the Fall 2013 semester. I am finally home. I still don't know what my final grades are but I'm not too worried. I thought its such a relief to be home. My mom told me to go say hi to my dad because he hasn't been doing to well. She told me he had to take morphine because he has had intense pains as of recent. She told me the doctor put him on the third type of drug and once this drug loses its effect, it means the end is near. She also told me he couldn't eat for days and has very intense bowel movements. I didn't know how to respond. So I went upstairs to see how my dad was doing. He looked very skinny. I doubt he weighed above 110 lbs. He said he was tired and ready to sleep. So i went down stairs. I almost cried. It was so painful and saddening to see my dad in that situation. I can't stop thinking about the worse case scenario. I am a pretty pessimistic so it was very hard to get my hopes up. I just pray God will let a miracle happen as childish as it seems. My cousin told me my mom has been very stressed so he picked up dish washing. I promised him I would cook more too over break. I want to do everything in my power to make sure my mom does not become over stressed. I want to make sure my dad never has another thing to worry about besides living his life to the fullest. I don't know how much time he has left but I do pray they will be good times. Thinking back, though he is my step dad in actuality, he has sacrificed a lot for this family. I feel very stupid and ungrateful. I feel like a worthless son. Why haven't I tried to fix our relationship? Why was I such a bad child when I was younger? Now that he is in that state, I feel like its almost too late to fix our relationship. We never talked much. I thought he was never proud of me. But in retrospect all he wished in life was for me to be successful and exceed his expectations. Because of his cancer, I don't even know if he can live to see me graduate. I'm just praying that God will save his soul and body, and if possible, cure him of this sickness.
2013 has been very rough in general. But I feel that living on this earth, everyday is a blessing from God. I learned to never take anyone for granted. You never know what you have til it's gone. There is much truth in that. And if you have the time to fix a relationship, by all means try your hardest to. I learned to appreciate my parents as they have sacrificed much of their lives in ensuring that I will have a good future.
As Psalm 23:3-4 says:
He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
And through those dark times, The Lord has been there with me, guiding me every step of the way.
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