Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Have you ever gotten the feeling that no matter what you did it was never good enough? Or the choices you made are always wrong? In my parents eyes, it feels as if I can never meet their expectations. I am always doing something that disappoints them. Something that might shame the family. There are plenty of days where I feel like shit after a chewing out by my parents. It can be over the pettiest stuff, but my parents just don't think I good enough. Because of how I was raise, I was taught there is nothing you can be proud of of, because someone, somewhere, somebody will be better than you. As an Asian, being compared to other people is common place. Almost every Asian parent will compare you to somebody else, be it friends, relatives ,classmates, you name it. When my parents are talking with other parents, the other parents would be boasting about their children and their accomplishments but my parents say they have nothing good to say about me. They can only sit there with a fake smile and reply oh "my son is doing okay" when it gets to their turn. Its like character trait within me is flawed. It makes me feel like my life has been a lie and that my parents really don't love me. In fact they could do better if I wasn't there. If at all born. I might be overreacting but after years of feeling like this, there really isn't anything I could do to boost myself confidence. All the excuses and preexisting conditions don't even really matter. Cuz in the end who really cares if you have Muscular Dystrophy and have been misunderstood for 10 years? or judged? If you fail, then you fail. You're labeled a failure and no one will forget that. Because your accomplishments always get less attention than your failures. I can't even tell whether somebody is genuinely complimenting me or just brown nosing anymore. People say they are jealous of me and that makes me angry because they don't know what I have been through and whatever I have comes with things they would want no part of .

 Just this summer I have a brief moment of contemplating suicide. Granted it was brief but rather terrifying, It was a dark and lonely place to be in and I never want to go back to that place again. So I sought out God and went to church and that was the end of that or so I thought. I thought by going back to church with people my age who might have had similar experiences would help. In some respect it did because frankly there were people who had similar experiences as me. I had all these tools at my disposal to fight off the darkness. And it was working. But now I feel as if the darkness once again is slowing creeping up on me and perhaps I would relapse one day as much as I don't want to be there. When my parents show displeasure with me, it is very easy to tell. Their voice sound disgustingly whiny and they yell. They make all these outrageous threats that are completely out of proportions and almost do not relate to the what they are complaining about in the first place. And then they use very crude language. When you have been living with parents like this since childhood, I think it's a no brainier you turn into a cold, selfish, and pessimistic person.

Many people whom I've me always think I'm a happy guy, always cheerful and joking around. But little do they know the darkness that I harbor and have gone through. That seems reasonable because no one wants to be around a person whose always in a sullen mood. So I don't really talk to people when I have a hard time. I let it get to me and then I need to smoke and drink a little to relieve stress. Do these things make me feel any better? Not really but in the moment it takes my mind off things. And then I pick up the bible, read some verses and hopefully I can go to sleep with some sense of peace. But then the cycle starts again sometime later. Being bounced around between good times and bad times is just so painful. I just want some stability and peace in life so I can finish college and join the real word. But things just do seem like its gonna get any better that what it currently is. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. There just doesn't seem to be a way out of this place. I realized my parents don't have faith in me and they really shouldn't. My freshman year in college, I was belligerent and not responsible at all for my actions and got put on probation. I had to work my ass off just to get back to where I am today. Every semester I have had at least a C in my grades. High school was no different. Ever since high school, my parents have called me stupid, idiotic, careless, not responsible. Not a very kind family. They also claim I am spoiled and selfish. I wonder where I went wrong? Can it all be me? Is everything my faulty? Are my parents blameless? God created people and I guess this means he chose our families. there is nothing I can do about it. I sincerely appreciate my family but it does not seem to be reciprocated.

My parents always have to be right. I am always wrong. I am 21 and relying on them for schooling so everything they say goes. If I just do something slightly off they threaten me and say I must take out my own loans. They also mention so and so's parents also made them take out loans so why can't I. This time it happened because I called my parents and said I dropped a course and went down from 18 hours to 14 hours. They snapped like usual and told me they were very angry with me. They think I won't be able to graduate on time and will turn out to be a worthless bum. I don't how much more harsh they can get. And then they expect me to function normally without getting mad at all after they used terrible language.

 By now my parents should have some clue they aren't very effective parents and their ways of dealing with me has caused lots of mental anguish and pain over the years. They fail to understand I still have mental scars from being misunderstood since childhood and whatever negative experiences I have accumulated only makes me more angry and a hateful person. I can't be more descriptive on how terrible of a personality I have and how my parent's parenting have influenced me. They fail to realize I no longer am confident in anything I do because 7 out of 10 things they've said to me were put downs. They never really said they were proud of anything I did and dismiss them as small things that aren't really worth praising. They rarely said they loved me and I couldn't recall once where my step dad even expressed anything towards me. It's so awkward at home that I barely speak to my step dad. His students are closer with him than me. I don't feel the least bit jealous either. I guess that's a pretty fucked up way to live. So at home I still barely talk to my step dad. I just ask him how he feels and what not and how his health is. Ever since he was diagnosed with late stage stomach cancer in February, I guess it has made the family closer but only by a little. We still argue. My parents still use very vulgar language when they are pissed off at me. They still think I'm useless and compare me to everyone. They don't see me as me. It's like I'm not my own person and I can only exist when there is a comparison between me and another person, but with me as the inferior. Being treated as such by my parents is probably a huge contribution to why I feel like I'm always living in somebody else's shadow. I can go on and on but this rant will go in circles and I will only revisit things I want to forget or have already mentioned. So what was my point in writing this super negative piece? It lets me vent and that is something invaluable to me since I am prone to over contemplating. It lets keep release the negative energy that might otherwise make me go mad or perhaps relapse to that dark time. There have been countless times where I just sit in despair. I just wish I could go somewhere alone since there really hasn't been anyone where I can divulge my deepest darkest moments. There hasn't really been a person whom I can borrow a shoulder and pour out my thoughts. My only outlet is to write, drink, smoke, listen to music and then pray to God. In the mean time, I gotta make this place between a rock and a hard place as comfortable as I can. Because life is a huge trial, and the day where we face no more hardships, is probably the day we die.