To be brief, many of you who read my blog know that my dad has terminal stomach cancer. Well I came home today to visit again. When I see him, my heart sinks. Though I am happy to see him, he looks like a starving African child. That is no exaggeration. After 2 months of not eating properly (sporadically and receiving nutrition through IV and the occasional liquid), my dad probably weighs less than 100 pounds. It hurts me to see him in such a way. He has to go the bathroom very often due to the cancer disrupting his digestive system and he is often too weak to even want to talk. He experiences pains and often require medication to help him sleep. The doctors have stopped chemo and to be honest, It's like he's waiting to go to heaven. How my dad continues to fight is beyond me. Maybe its because of the support his students and friends have shown him. Maybe we (his family) is something worth hanging onto his life for. Since he was baptized recently, maybe God will perform a miracle and heal him. In short, he is dying and I should spend as much time as I can with him. After all, thats an obvious choice for I am his son.
But this weekend I also want to see some friends that I don't get to see often. One of them has a birthday too. Another is a girl that I have a crush on and I never really see her at all anymore. This is where the angel/devil on the shoulder part comes in. Should I spend the entire weekend with my dad, or part of it? Before you make a judgement, read my logic. Even though I can spend time with my dad in the hospital, I can't do anything for him. All I can do is watch him, ask him how he is doing, and pretend to fake a smile at him every now and then. And I have to study for an exam on Monday. Even If I stay in the hospital, part of the time I will have to leave him alone. His condition is no excuse for me to ignore my school work. I've learned to be stronger than that and stop using petty excuses. After all, getting good grades is probably one of the last ways I can make him proud.
But this weekend I also want to see some friends that I don't get to see often. One of them has a birthday too. Another is a girl that I have a crush on and I never really see her at all anymore. This is where the angel/devil on the shoulder part comes in. Should I spend the entire weekend with my dad, or part of it? Before you make a judgement, read my logic. Even though I can spend time with my dad in the hospital, I can't do anything for him. All I can do is watch him, ask him how he is doing, and pretend to fake a smile at him every now and then. And I have to study for an exam on Monday. Even If I stay in the hospital, part of the time I will have to leave him alone. His condition is no excuse for me to ignore my school work. I've learned to be stronger than that and stop using petty excuses. After all, getting good grades is probably one of the last ways I can make him proud.
We have a complicated relationship and I can say just recently we've been warming up to each other. Before then we weren't really close and the way I was raised turned me into a callous person. I didn't speak to my dad often. Now that he's opened up, I find it hard to open up to him. I've developed a resentment during childhood that is still slowly thawing. After a few sentences, we break into silence again. And the more I see him in such a bad state, the worse I feel. Morbid thoughts just creep up into my mind. Before I know it, I am exasperated. I want to drink again. I want to smoke again. I want to go very far away and be alone. The temptation to break into my old habits are like that mosquito bite you so desperately want to scratch.
Before my dad had cancer, he emphasized education a lot. He was disappointed in me because I was a bad student. I hated to study and always wanted to hangout with friends. Now that he has a different outlook, he actually encourages me to go to socialize with friends. My mom on the other hand feels that I should spend more time with my dad because to be honest, we don't know how much time he has with us. But my dad overheard me and my mom talking about my weekend plans and he wants me to go hangout with friends. That is the kindest thing any person in his situation can say. Reflecting on it, I feel horrible. I am the worst son in the world. Guilt kicked in hard and I just lost all appetite. Here is my dad, dying of cancer, and all I could think about was hanging out with my friends? What kind of a shitty son am I? Its not like I don't love my dad. Don't get it twisted. Yeah Its a little hard to say I love my dad out loud because of what we went through, but I do. This was a man who didn't have a child of his own, married my mom and raised me, a shitty little brat since I was 7. He sacrificed a lot just so I can be where I am today. I could never repay him enough for what he has done for me. And I think about my dad a lot. I think about my family situation a lot. I lose fucking sleep over this shit. Its strange how I haven't lost my mind a few times over yet. So yes, I love my dad.
But at the same time, my social life also needs work. I feel like these are friendships worth pursuing. Maybe it'll bolster me as a person. Who knows. I mean for me during rocky times, friends > family. But at times like these, its family > friends. But it should be Friend and Family are equally important. There are things I can tell my friends that my family won't understand and vice vera. At the moment I feel very conflicted. I feel guilty regardless of what decision I make. Opportunity cost. Economics? Ring a bell? Most people would definitely tell me to stay with my dad all weekend. Its only natural. I already mentioned how my dad did everything for me so now I should attempt to spend as much time with him as I can. But I don't want to leave my friends either. They would also understand if I told them I have family issues to attend to. Either way I don't both my friends and my dad to feel a disappointment if I picked one over the other. I could do both but then it would seem I'm half assing and I hate being insincere. Perhaps I'm over thinking but this thought of friend or family is eating me alive. Its the hardest thing I've ever had to think about for some reason. Its driving me insane. My friends have also suggested me staying with my dad which I think is right too but for some reason this conflict is still happening. And as a self critical person, I think I am just weak. I can't make a decision without feeling guilty. I'm afraid to make any choice. I am afraid of being hurt for have made the wrong decision. I afraid to hurt others. I know I should man up and grow a pair but its so damn hard. For heaven's sakes I can't even tell the girl that I have a crush on that I like her. I'm frozen in fear. That fear eats away at my confidence in anything and my ability to sleep. It tempts me to go back to smoking and drinking. It feels like the devil is trying to chip away at my already lacking faith.
But the guilt is the worst of it all. I feel that I owe an un repayable debt to my dad. Im far from home at school and can't come home often. I don't call everyday to ask how my dad is doing either. I mean he has told me his will. He wants me to graduate, find a job, get married, and settled in Chicago, close to my mom and stuff like that. He expects me to do well in school and try as hard as I can. I know. He supports me. But at the same time I feel very distant towards my family. My mom, cousin, and everyone close have been taking turns delivering food, cooking, driving and all that but I can't be apart of this. I am too far. I have no presence. My dad probably misses me but I just can't be there. I feel guilt. This is why I have such a hard time falling asleep at night sometimes. I am a Christian and I do pray every night for God to make things better. My faith has partially been helping me cope but at times, I get so overwhelmed it seems prayer isn't working. I just want to be alone in my room. I don't want to deal with people. Everything and everyone annoys me. I want to blame God for everything. Why? Why must my family suffer? Why can't I just man up? Why has everything in my life that has happened happen? But then after a while , these thoughts fade. I try to get by everyday but almost certainly, these thoughts happen again. At the end of the day, its SSDD (SameShitDifferentDay) I'm stuck with my Guilty Conscience and other thoughts again.
But at the same time, my social life also needs work. I feel like these are friendships worth pursuing. Maybe it'll bolster me as a person. Who knows. I mean for me during rocky times, friends > family. But at times like these, its family > friends. But it should be Friend and Family are equally important. There are things I can tell my friends that my family won't understand and vice vera. At the moment I feel very conflicted. I feel guilty regardless of what decision I make. Opportunity cost. Economics? Ring a bell? Most people would definitely tell me to stay with my dad all weekend. Its only natural. I already mentioned how my dad did everything for me so now I should attempt to spend as much time with him as I can. But I don't want to leave my friends either. They would also understand if I told them I have family issues to attend to. Either way I don't both my friends and my dad to feel a disappointment if I picked one over the other. I could do both but then it would seem I'm half assing and I hate being insincere. Perhaps I'm over thinking but this thought of friend or family is eating me alive. Its the hardest thing I've ever had to think about for some reason. Its driving me insane. My friends have also suggested me staying with my dad which I think is right too but for some reason this conflict is still happening. And as a self critical person, I think I am just weak. I can't make a decision without feeling guilty. I'm afraid to make any choice. I am afraid of being hurt for have made the wrong decision. I afraid to hurt others. I know I should man up and grow a pair but its so damn hard. For heaven's sakes I can't even tell the girl that I have a crush on that I like her. I'm frozen in fear. That fear eats away at my confidence in anything and my ability to sleep. It tempts me to go back to smoking and drinking. It feels like the devil is trying to chip away at my already lacking faith.
But the guilt is the worst of it all. I feel that I owe an un repayable debt to my dad. Im far from home at school and can't come home often. I don't call everyday to ask how my dad is doing either. I mean he has told me his will. He wants me to graduate, find a job, get married, and settled in Chicago, close to my mom and stuff like that. He expects me to do well in school and try as hard as I can. I know. He supports me. But at the same time I feel very distant towards my family. My mom, cousin, and everyone close have been taking turns delivering food, cooking, driving and all that but I can't be apart of this. I am too far. I have no presence. My dad probably misses me but I just can't be there. I feel guilt. This is why I have such a hard time falling asleep at night sometimes. I am a Christian and I do pray every night for God to make things better. My faith has partially been helping me cope but at times, I get so overwhelmed it seems prayer isn't working. I just want to be alone in my room. I don't want to deal with people. Everything and everyone annoys me. I want to blame God for everything. Why? Why must my family suffer? Why can't I just man up? Why has everything in my life that has happened happen? But then after a while , these thoughts fade. I try to get by everyday but almost certainly, these thoughts happen again. At the end of the day, its SSDD (SameShitDifferentDay) I'm stuck with my Guilty Conscience and other thoughts again.
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